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and enjoy the atmosphere of recovery. i really find it amusing when someone who says they have been around the program but once again is brand new, starts to share about what recovery is all about. oh they say all the right things, hit all the catch phrases and clichés, but truthfully they have very little to offer, except to show me, what NOT to do next.
a quick edit: i was going on about what i heard and disrespecting the spirit of the twelfth tradition, so back to me!
the truth is, i could be that person, with just a little bit of a change in attitude and lack of humility and it is certainly a quirk of nature that i am not. honestly, i am coming to see that this recovery gig is all or nothing for me. i am either here or i am not, and if i ever decide to not be here, more than likely i will never be around this program again. since i am all in, at least for today, i might as well enjoy the ride! i get that and find that is certainly a good path to follow. i did not come here lighthearted and full of mirth. no, the world was a dark place and only healthy cynicism and expectations of doom kept me one step ahead of the disaster my life was quickly becoming. that i avoided that doom for so long, was certainly a gift, as it has given me plenty of material to work on in recovery. best of all, it has given more than enough material to make light of, now that i am starting to pile up some days. yes i have written about the internal battle between the Goth and the cheerleader within, that is finally winding down, with a merging of those two aspects of who i am. the “Goth Cheerleader,” likes to laugh at himself, through the lens of irony and cynicism, that integration, while has been uncomfortable, is finally allowing me the freedom to move forward in my step work. the vision of me becoming whole and genuine, is starting to become part of my reality and as ludicrous as the visual image i get when i put the word goth together with cheerleader, the smile i get on my face, tells me that is what it is, so just get used to it. in fact, that merging will probably provide more than enough humor and mirth across the future course of my recovery, as i become more comfortable with it.
the course of my recovery program has not been predictable at all. that is also a source of merriment. the mistakes i have made, he wrong turns i have followed to the bitter dead ends and the unrealistic expectations i have had shattered, would make me cry, if i allowed them to have that sort of power over me. instead i see them as a source of what not to do today, and instead of crying, i can laugh at the irony of my ignorance and blind acceptance of what i think the TRUTH looks like, as most of that material is a direct result of me thinking i may actually know something. the REAL TRUTH? i dunno! what i do know is this. i am grateful to be clean today. i have a program that provides me with all i need and the crazy thoughts and behaviors i demonstrate only goes to show me, that even i have more that a thing or two to learn today about how to do this recovery gig. so it is off to the showers and into work i go! it is after all a good day to laugh about what a tool i can be, and look for the ways and means to be less toolish as the day goes on.

∞ DT ∞