Blog entry for:

i could get off drugs and be happy, despite the evidence provided by the members i first met, during those dark, dank and miserable days of my early recovery. although i was fairly certain that they were a little something-something on the side, because IF they used like i did, and they said they did, than they could not be happy in a lifestyle that did not feature using one substance or another. more than once in my recovery, i return to examine my notions and beliefs of those days in my life and realize exactly how mistaken i was and still can be.
am i having fun? well today, not so much as i am more or less chained to my house, just in case my pager goes off. ironically, most Sundays i do very little outside of my house, so why today grates on more so much more is certainly not a mystery. it is because i HAVE to stay close to my computer, even if i do not DESIRE to do so. i have said it more than once, i do not have a strong DESIRE to do what i am told to do, and as always i will be making forays out of the house, tempting fate as it were, and getting away with being out and about, but never more than ten minutes away from my keyboard. as much as i DESIRE to appear to be above “getting away” with something, the fact of the matter is, i still crave that sort of thrill, more often than not. i am grateful that DESIRE has not grown into partaking of a little drop of poison, believing that i can keep my clean-time and use every now and again. i am however perverse enough that when one of my peers tells me to raise my head during the closing prayer, i keep my head bowed, even though it is not what i generally do. that is enough about my “bad” behavior and time to move along into the next part of my thoughts this morning.
it si true that i have become a bit of a fitness nut since getting a FitBit for my birthday. as i set reasonable goals for myself and i am beginning to get some of the benefits of allowing technology to nag me into moving every hour and taking so many steps, every single day. the fact of the matter is, as the layers of fat start to melt away, my body is not being sculpted in the manner that i do not DESIRE, in fact what i saw in the mirror yesterday was almost enough to make me quit and add the fat back on again. yes i am still stuck in a world of immediate gratification. i know that if i keep doing what i have been doing, that the results will be more to my liking, it is this intermediate space i am not too fond of, good thing i am not going to be hanging on a beach for the next few months.
now is the time for this good man to come to the aid of his DESIRE and go grocery shopping for my lunch this week. yes i will be having a bit of relaxation and maybe some fun today. i will certainly get my yard work, and laundry done, so IF the opportunity presents itself, i may be able to squeeze out a bit of fun as well.

∞ DT ∞