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thankfully, i was met by a group of friendly, smiling folks who are obviously fairly content with the lives they have found in the fellowship; what an enormous amount of hope this provided!
seriously, though, the first groups i attended had their share of grim faced members clutching the arms of their chairs with white knuckles. there were, however, enough members that seemed to be happy with their lives, that eventually i was attracted to the recovery process. perhaps what i observed was a function of where i was at, i can concede that point, as the last place i wanted to be was in the rooms, and in the seven months between attending my first meeting and finally accepting my sentence to recovery, i did everything humanly possible to disqualify my fitness for recovery, including but not limited to, looking for every little nit-picking thing that irked me.
although i found recovery, i never believed i could be happy, abstinent maybe, but happy not to have the crutch of chemically-induced bliss, never. sitting here many days away from those first days, i am amazed how content, and yes even happy i am to be a part of recovery. when i look back on the the final days of active addiction, and when i look back on those first painful and agonizing months of early recovery, through the filter of where i am now, i am amazed how hard i tried to hold on to those bleak times. i know today, i was afraid of letting go and being willing to see what life could bring me. i was afraid that my feelings would kill me. i was afraid that the members would chew me up and spit me out like tainted food. most of all, i was afraid that i could never be accepted for who i am , if i lacked the tools to become what i need to be from minute to minute.
today, i would not have it any other way. not that every second of every day is a "yippy skippy" moment to paraphrase a friend, but enough of them are, to keep me coming back. these days i do not need to blow sunshine up anyone's ass, recovery is a tough gig, especially when you do your utmost to live it to the best of your ability. the results of hacking through it day after day, at least for me, is that elusive feeling of being happy with who i am and what my life looks like today. and yes, even the absurdity of what i did in active addiction, some of those actions and behaviors are nearly impossible for me to believe ever happened, although i know all too well that they are truly a part of the storyline that got me here today.
anyhow, i am happy this morning and grateful that i can feel happy without the use of some mind altering chemical. as enticing as legal drug use may be, it is not a path that i need to consider this morning. nor is hiding in my house, using the excuse of anxiety from detoxing from legal drug use as an excuse to remain miserable, as is the case of an addict i know, who has finally decided to stop using. so with a spring in my step or is it a step into spring, i think i will jump into the shower and get some stuff done, while the iron is hot, to misuse one of the most tired clichés i know. it is after all, just another day on the right side of the dirt and that my friends is something this addict is happy about, at least right here and right now!

∞ DT ∞