Blog entry for:

an interesting question, especially for someone who looks at life through a cynical lens. perhaps, it is the verb that is inaccurate, instead of **to be,** perhaps, has the ability to as in **can**, or has the desire to, as in **will** would be a better choice for me. ah, semantically all three of those choices sound so much the same, that what is the point? well, for me, i like precision in language, i know i am odd in this respect, and when i speak precisely, narrow the focus on what the answer may be. quite honestly am i having fun yet, is a very narrow question and it all depends on what sort time line one wants to put on it, hence loophole after loophole, suddenly appear before my eyes. depending on the impression i want to leave i can change the parameters of my answer and not be dishonest, which is a behavior i famously used when i was in active addiction. sure i am having fun now, thinking to myself, when i look at life in general, and creating an illusion of a fun-filled, care-free sort of existence. or no i am not, focusing in on the very here and now, leaving the illusion of a dark, dank and dreary life. both of those answers are honest and i have used both to convey the impression, create the illusion, that i wanted to, hence my familiarity with them.
so can i have fun? yes i can, i am not the dark and gloomy Gus, i was when i walked into the rooms.
will i have fun? i have and will continue to have, as recovery has given me the ways and means to see more than the dark side of everything.
do i have fun, every single waking moment of every single day, well no, and i doubt any sane person does, but that just may be me, looking through the cynical filter again.
as i have shown, sometimes i can think way too much about trivial little things. that too is a symptom of taking myself and life far too seriously, which sort of goes against the grain of the reading in general. yes, the message i get this morning, is for just one second, stop, have a bit of lighthearted fun and allow myself to be happy, in the here and now, maybe there really are people who have fun 24-7.
but fun aside, to answer the question i started with, even in this little exercise i have had a bit of fun, twisting and turning what i heard, until it resembles something that may or may not be relevant to anyone but me, who after all, is what this is all about. i can move forward with my deadly serious life, and be happy and yes have some fun, in the reaal world, such as it is. i can even look on the bright side of life, when i try to.

∞ DT ∞