Blog entry for:

i suffer a loss of self-esteem.
as i sit here this morning, in no particular hurry to do anything or go anywhere, i am struck by my reaction to everything. i mean yesterday, i ended-up in Boulder at the meeting last night, an event that i hardly could see coming, and one that i am certainly glad happened.
so what is all this fuss about not facing challenges?
and exactly WTF is a challenge today?
the reading goes on and on about what may be considered a challenge and although i do not disagree with that (wait for it), i do however wonder about what are the things that challenge me today. i mean does hosing my DC photo collection count as a challenge, after all, all of those pics may or may not be backed up. what about trying not to worry whether a sponsee is clean today after a big celebration yesterday? how about trying to fit in a run while getting my dirty laundry done? or is all of that just the mundane part of life on life's terms, and hardly rates being called a challenge.
seriously, i am in a pensive mood this morning, and perhaps it is time to return to my gravity theory of a HIGHER POWER and allow that POWER just to work.
the gravity theory? way back when i first got clean, i started my struggle with this whole “GOD” concept. being well educated and having a clue or two about things worked in an overarching manner, made me, oh shall we say, more than a bit resistant to what i saw and felt was superstition. my first sponsor had me create a metaphor about power. GRAVITY is a force, that i cannot touch, see, smell, taste or hear. Gravity is a force that works whether or not i believe in it. Gravity can be overcome, with great effort and expenditure of resources, but when i break free of Gravity, i will end up in the middle of nowhere, isolated and nowhere to go, because all paths will lead me back to the influence of gravity. i can try as hard as i like, to throw myself at the ground and miss, but i will always hit the Earth, because of Gravity. if i want to continue to exist and be a part of the world around me, i can ignore Gravity and it continue to work, or i can accept and embrace Gravity and use its power to my own benefit. using Gravity as a model, my first notions of the POWER that fuels my recovery was formed and when i find myself struggling, trying to face whatever the challenges that are popping up today. i can resist and fight, and wear myself out, OR i can accept that there is a plan, that will go on, with or without my acceptance and approval, and as i said yesterday grow with the flow.
today, well i am waiting to put the fabric softener in my current load of wash, then i will run, after that the final load, a trip to the cigar store to buy the remaining stock of a stick i really, really like, some work, some play, some recovery and most importantly some time for me to just be me, today.
challenges? well none loom on the horizon, but who knows what gravity will make fall to Earth as this day goes on!

∞ DT ∞