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is my greatest source of strength and courage. here i go again with yet another HIGHER POWERED writing. honestly, as glib as that last statement appears to be, the truth is that i have come to see that most of what i write here is HIGHER POWERED. it is because, unless i have a specific axe to grind, and i have had many of the years of writing this, i just sit down and let whatever is on my heart flow through my fingers and out into the virtual world where nothing but bits and bytes exist.
this morning there is no soapbox for me to climb up upon. i have no burning agenda on my mind and there is nothing major screaming in my head just waiting to get out and be free. so i guess that means i can wrap this up and go out for a quick run around the neighborhood. BUT i think i will write about what i heard this morning, in my quiet time instead.
i GOT to sit down and share some time with my sponse for no good reason at all. well that is a lie, i did have an agenda, he starts HEP C treatment today, and i wanted to talk with him as a friend before the medicine made him sick and took away his ability to want to sit and just talk. yes i know how incredibly selfish that sounds, so be it, it is the truth and i am at a point in my life where hiding from the truth does me absolutely no good, in fact it is a harmful activity. anyhow, on my drive home last night i ended up being stuck behind the “i never drive more that 45 MPH, NO MATTER WHERE I AM club!” which at first created a sense of frustration and entitlement in me. after all, i am entitled to exceed the speed limit by 5 to 8 miles per hour if i CHOOSE TO! who the fVck do these bozos think they are, don't they know who i am, get the fVck out of my way! after ten minutes or so of fuming and finally reaching the passing lane, i realized how absurd that whole sense of entitlement really was and how i was giving all of my power to people i did not know, would never know and who were oblivious to the fact that i even existed. after that disturbing realization, i took the opportunity to allow myself to drift in my driving meditative state and go with the flow. nothing major came form all that extra time being quiet, except the certainty that traveling to see my sponse was the absolute correct thing to do last night, for the both of us.
okay, here it is, getting back on the track. it is because i have a spiritual connection that i can be present in the lives of those i love and who appear to love me. back in the day, i would have been running in the opposite direction at any whiff that someone i cared about was getting sick. i fact, at the very first sign of illness, it would have been adios amigo, it has been fun, it has been real and yes it has even been real fun, but those days are now gone. i lacked the courage to be a part of a process that may or may not have the desired outcome and one where i may end up having to say goodbye. i know that this is just blowing something way out of proportion, as it is only a treatment. hyperbole aside, what i am trying to say here, is that i have the courage to be a part of the lives of those i love, no matter what comes down the pike.as all of you well know, COURAGE IS NOT THE LACK OF FEAR, it is the ability to face my fear and walk through it. my SOURCE for that courage is the POWER that fuels my recovery and i can only access that source when i CHOOSE to DECIDE to do so. which really sucks as i would love to do it without having to consciously decide to do so, auto-magically as it were.
since deciding to reach for that POWER is what the reality is, i can accept that today, it is what i NEED to do. yes i want to be courageous, as well as better looking, thinner, younger and richer. some of that is achievable, some not. today i will stick to what i can decide to be, which is courageous through the POWER that fuels my recovery and more fit and thinner through the desire given to me from that POWER as well. i can succeed if i choose to access the power i have and the source of that power here and now, in real-time as it were. so off to the streets and into yet another day in my chain of thousands in a row clean, remembering that the source of my recovery can be and is the source of my strength today.

∞ DT ∞