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and learning to meet challenge is a lesson i either shipped or was not offered when growing up. i would love to point my finger and blame society, my family, popular culture, or my unlucky stars for creating a situation within me, that makes it more than a bit difficult to face any sort of challenge. yes it is true that i went back to college to complete my education and that was a challenge to integrate school, homework, real work, step work and program into my life. and i did it successfully -- success being defined as i made it out alive and still had my job and clean time. so i guess that recovery has begin to teach me that i can face challenges and survive, no scratch that THRIVE.
then why do i still cringe at the very thought of a challenge? i would like to dismiss it as being too lazy to face it, but that would be a cop-out and a lie. the real fact is i am afraid of FAILURE and the heavy weight of shame it burdens me with. i know there is no shame in failure, intellectually, but emotionally i still here those old tapes about how i cannot and will not succeed being played every time i face a challenging situation that entails a modicum of risk. today i see no challenges on the horizon so i get to relax for this moment and IF something arises i will hopefully ask THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS to give me the tools to face the challenge and learn what ever it is that i need to learn at that moment. and for this addict i guess that is the best i can hope for right now!

∞ DT ∞