Blog entry for:

things appear good or bad to me. new and difficult things, obstacles and opposition, all are a part of **life on its own terms.** so i noticed this morning that i have been at this for four years now, which is amazing, because in active addiction i would have long ago given up a daily writing exercise. how does that relate to life’s challenges? well i wrote this little piece of web application as a challenge to myself to see if i could do it. yes there are lots of things i did wrong way back then, and little peeves and annoyances that i might fix, if i ever get around to it.
well enough of patting myself on thew back, and wondering how i got here. the truth is the how is important, it is the why that is irrelevant. how did i get here? well for one thing i did not use. then lost dreams were awakened and i returned to school at the age of 43. i started part-time at community college, and after earning an associates degree proceeded to a four year university full time, and continued to work 30 hours a week. nothing amazing there, just a drive to be more than i was, and i have become more than i ever thought was possible. all through that phase in my life, i also stayed clean, went to meetings, met with my sponsor when he was available, and did step work, and here i am four years later, still writing my daily missive to the cyberworld. no congratulations are in order, what is appropriate is looking at the fact that i can meet a challenge, and actually succeed.
it was an interesting reading for me on another level, because there were parts of it i heard for what seemed the first time. like the list of reasons i may or, may not have used as excuses to get high. looking at that lest from the vantage point of a few days clean, sort of trips off old memories that are hardly euphoric recall. instead of remembering how wonderful my life was, back in the **day,** what is driven home is the memories of what a fear ridden and isolated creature i had become, and was willing to be. i am certainly grateful that i no longer need to be that creature, and while fear is still present in my life, especially the whole fear of failure -- fear of success seesaw, its power over me and my behaviors has been diminished. i am not the man i once was, and i am not the man i am going to be, but today, right here and right now i am the man who i am, and i can accept that man as doing the best he can to face life as it comes at him today.

∞ DT ∞