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with integrity, the state of being fully integrated: my actions, my thinking, my feelings, my ideals, and my values all match up. GAWD, it would be nice to do just that one hundred percent of the time. i am probably far too rough on myself and when i think i am lucky to be a “fifty-percenter” in this regard, i am more than likely closer to ninety or ninety-five percent. doing my best to live an active program of recovery, does make me hyper-sensitive to when i am less than stellar, and i magnify those minor “slips” into evidence that i am just FVCKED, no matter how much “real active recovery” happened before and after that incident.
as i sat and listened this morning, what i “got” was a jolt in the ribs that i am being co-dependent and am trying to get someone else's approval. i am quite sure that my entire set of behaviors about my former sponsee, since he started back down the path of justice system was to get his approval and have him “beg” for mine. i had both of those, but as it became apparent to me that was not going to be enough, i pushed for even more, and once i scraped off the dirt from what i was feeling, i decided that he needed to be punished to atone for his sins against me. the worst part of this mess is that i never really liked spending time with him and now that we do not share a common goal of his recovery journey, i am doing my best to get him to walk away so i do not have to say that i really do not want to continue this relationship on any level. my dishonesty with him was hiding my true feelings and attempting to restore a relationship based on smoke and mirrors, is all about me looking good and not about providing any moral support for him at all. man does that suck!
so here i sit, not knowing how to tell someone that with our recovery relationship “on the rocks,” there is really nothing between us. that is the dilemma i have attempted to avoid and now that it has been revealed to me, one that i can no longer pretend does not exist. for right now, i will leave things as they are: strained and distant. perhaps, as i work though my stuff, i may actually feel my way to a path of forgiveness, acceptance and the ways and means to support him without being arrogant and aloof. i have FAITH that my path forward will be revealed and i will be able to practice integrity in this relationship.

∞ DT ∞