Blog entry for:

to meet the challenges i may face today, comes from doing my best to live a program of active recovery. one of the challenges i seem to face daily, is how to handle my seemingly insatiable desire to control situation and exert power. once again, i found myself cringing at a meeting when i heard a peer playing “can you top this,” as part of their share. it reminded me of the mission i had given myself ten days ago to rescue a meeting from the infernal clutches of the self-seeking, selfish members who were attempting to bend group conscience to their will. the answer i “got” as i sat this morning is “who the f*ck do i think i am and how do i think exerting my will on that same group conscience is any better?” where i wanted to go, after that spiritual knocking about, was into an instant shame fest and more than a bit of self-deprecation. how could i sink to that level, after all, i would have expected to be MUCH better than that, by this point in my recovery?
as i pound this out, i see that i am probably further along than i give myself credit for being. there are all sorts of actions i could have taken up to this point and maybe the opportunity will present itself for me to have my say, privately and quietly and perhaps influence the actions of another. what i am getting is a strong desire to trust the group conscience process and have some FAITH in my peers, that no matter the outcome, it will be the correct one. letting go of the groups in my local fellowship has been a tough task for me, after all, i am the only left from the days when we did not even have a proper meeting of the fellowship that has given me the freedom to be here and writing this right now. once again, i am much better at keeping my fingers out of the pot than i ever was before, but i still backslide into thinking that maybe, i should step in and take control once again, especially when i see seemingly self-seeking behavior taking control and it is not MINE!
the grace here, as much as i hate to admit it, is i can look to my motives and pause for a second or three, before tromping over someone with my self-righteous spiritual bullying. i am quite well-versed, having studied at the feet of one of the masters of the technique, of twisting spiritual principles and the written word to suit my purpose and lifting what i need out of context to show another how f*cking wrong they are. stepping back into that behavior, as comfortable as it may feel, is not exactly where i want to go. that does not mean my desire has been somehow lifted or quenched. i am still seeking the ways and means to make my voice heard without appearing to do so, the power behind the throne, as it were. admitting that and examining my motives as to why i might want to show what power i may or may not have, is certainly a step in the correct direction for me. having the desire to be better and am working not to be a shallow “bumper sticker recovering addict,” just for today.

∞ DT ∞