Blog entry for:

of failure and success. sometimes, one of the challenges i face in the morning is how to get this rolling. some days, it just jumps out at me. on other days, i start with one idea and totally change where i thought i was going. is that a challenge or just feeling my way to the next right thing. that is a topic for yet another day. this morning i can certainly say, that my FEARS, specifically of outcomes, often drove my decision-making process, or lack thereof. today i see them, i feel them and when i choose to, i can walk through them to the other side.
when i got clean, i still had the ability to blame everything that was undesirable in my life on someone or something else. i did not move forward, and lived my life by default, allowing the events of life on life's terms to dictate who i was and whether or not i would succeed or fail. as uncomfortable as that may have been, in my head it was better that trying something different, and looking foolish or incompetent. there i would sit equally repulsed by my fear of succeeding or failing, immobile as marble statue, waiting for the next shoe to drop. of course,m at the time, i made all sorts of excuse about why i would not move forward and acted “as-if” this was going to be the new normal for me, even though it was how i had been for quite some time.
the gift contained in STEPS 6 and 7, is that i finally saw that my FEAR was based in a lack of self-esteem, i was simply not worth taking a risk or trying something new and different. if i failed, my value would fall and taking a risk meant there was always a chance to fail. if i succeeded it would have to be because of an intangible bit of luck or fortune, as it certainly could not be because of an innate talent or skill; on my part, i was just not that good at anything. those two steps, showed me that as equal as i was with my peers, i did have talents, i was better at some things than they were, and not as good at others. what i lacked before going into that second set of steps was not only self-esteem, but humility and the ability to be who i was and not who i wanted everyone to think that i was. it was finally the opportunity to grow out of being a poser and into a person who was learning to walk through his irrational fears and be something more than a quivering bowl of lime jello. bit by bit, i chipped at the wall of denial that blocked me from myself and kept me living in the darkness of secrets and fear-ridden anxiety, especially in social situations.
am i cured of feeling those fears? not by a long-shot, BUT, and it is a really BIG ONE, i can detect when i am feeling afraid and take a moment to pause, connect with the POWER that fuels my recovery and receive the guidance i need to see through that fear. yes i am worth taking a risk on something new and different today, yes i may fail and even if i look foolish or incompetent, who cares, my pratfall will quickly fade as a topic of conversation among my peers, if they even notice that i have messed up. how i look is starting to lose it prominence in my decision-making process as i become more whole and genuine. i know what i am today and i know what i need to do next: wrap this up, jump in the shower and head on over to Boulder for a meeting of my home group. after that? who knows, i have a whole long weekend stretching ahead of me, and perhaps i will kill two birds with one stone ⇝ learn how to use my new MacBook Pro and Amazon Web Services ⇝ both of which i need to do as i move into the brave new world of my new employers. i can build on that knowledge to succeed in life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞