Blog entry for:

what would my world be like without them? i mam tempted to say, wonderfully stress-free, carefree and joyous, but i really wonder if that is true or not. if i have learned anything about myself across the nine thousand days i have been clean., it is that i get bored, quite easily and when i get bored, i seek the ways and means to break free. that is the one feeling that i still have the DESIRE to change. i also know that when i attempt to relieve my boredom, i am far from patient and my behaviors become more and more extreme, bordering on hazardous. so as much as i say i do not desire any obstacles in my daily path, the truth is, i am not as averse to them as i make it out to be. in fact, at least one challenging situation per day, makes me feel as if i am progressing towards whatever the person i have always wanted to be, is. i truly do not “get” those who choose to live their lives without challenging themselves every single day, but then i do not have to, as i highly doubt that they “get” what it means to walk a path of active recovery.
one of the most “dangerous” challenges that are coming up for me in the next few days, is the Bolder Boulder 10K road race. it is not the length that is daunting, it is the competitive spirit that kicks in, once i get into that crowd. as a result, i push myself very hard, to the point of nearly breaking, because i have to pass that next person and get ahead, regardless of how hard i have already been working. last year, because of the dispersed nature of the event, i did not fall into that trap and yet i met my goal to run 10K in under sixty minutes, this year i will be on the streets off Boulder with sixty-thousand participants and i know that i will have to be aware of how i am doing physically, before i overtake and dust that very next runner.
that was not what popped off the stack this morning. when i got up to enjoy my cup of coffee and read the news of the world, what was on my mind was all about how well i am not handling the changes in my family dynamic. the power shift that has occurred over the past two years has had me reeling. as hard as i try to deny it, i am now in an unenviable position of watching someone spin down the drain and no matter how hard i try and prevent that from happening, all the power in the world cannot overcome the stubborn inertia they seem to have created for themselves. as i cannot reach into their mind and they are not willing to share what is going on, i have to go with the flow and witness what is happening. tolerance and acceptance are not my strong suits, but i am learning each and every day, how to have a bit more of each.
as i get ready to step out into this brisk Friday morning, i can rest assured that what i want, often corresponds to what i need, when i choose to pay attention to what is going on around me. sometimes the obstacles in my path, are challenges for me to overcome. sometimes those barriers are clues that i am trodding down a path of self-will run riot and perhaps i need to revisit what i am doing. for me, the wisdom lies in figuring out which possibility is correct, in the here and now. i know that getting some miles in today, is certainly part of what i want and certainly need to do. applying myself to the task at hand at work, is also part of my plan today. i may not see any challenges or obstacles in my path yet, BUT the day is young and i am certain to trip across one or more as this day plays out.

∞ DT ∞