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is part of how i live my life, on most days anyhow. these days most of my frustration is work related, as i am the last one to know that there is something that needs to be added by me, before new code is released into the wild. now i have to scramble to find the best way to that, as not releasing that code is not an option. oh well, that has been life in this job before and i do not expect it to change today. at least i can see where they got the changes from and the fact that the development team superstitiously rely on settings that are five years old, is far from surprising.
yesterday, i wrote about a topic that probably does not endear me to any of my newest peers. the fact that there is no “approved” list of drugs in the fellowship that has given me my recovery, is often a source of confusion, for many, myself included, at least back in the day. i sought that list out, so i could use and still maintain my clean date. what i wanted was a “loophole” and only my aversion to mental health professionals, kept me from finding that “out.” living with persistent, chronic pain even made me consider a medical solution that relied on one of my favorite substances. taking a toke as needed for pain, seemed like a very good idea once upon a time. i would not even have to go to one of the “captured” medical professionals who dispense those prescriptions for the dispensary that their office is attached to, as my pain is part of my medical record. the ONLY thing that stopped me from going that route was what i saw in the rooms around me, as my peers dabbled in pain management solutions. their struggles to “control” their use to medically prescribed levels, convinced me that my desire to use and keep my clean time was at the rout of my desire, as my pain was easily managed by over-the-counter medications, taken very infrequently. today i am grateful for that moment of clarity and what has sprung from that decision-making process.
what does that have to do with daring to succeed? for this addict it is all about daring to be open-minded enough to pay attention to how my peers live their lives. as i make decisions about what battles to fight, in this slice of twenty-four hours, this addict needs to let go of the “odds” of success and look to the potential rewards of succeeding. if i only choose to wage those battles where i have a high certainty of coming out on top, i lose the opportunity, any opportunity to stretch my boundaries and grow. i am tired of living with my reservations and ceasing to fight addiction, whether it is inherent or learned, is my only chance of succeeding with another day won, free from servitude to the very substances that kept me down for so long.

∞ DT ∞