Blog entry for:

from the POWER that fuels my recovery, is my greatest source of strength and courage.
and yet, here we go again, a HIGHER POWER seed, and another opportunity to go on and on about what i heard in the past twenty-four hours. honestly i was less upset by one of my peers, going on and on and on about the hallucinations they had when they were in a near death experience than i was by the lie, they continue to tell, even though they know that i know the truth. i have come to the conclusion, that they have told themselves that lie often enough, that they have altered their memory, so they truly believe that was the way it went down, and as a result, can only treat them with tolerance and patience, rather than anger and disgust, which seem to be my ‘go to emotions’, when i see them enter the room.
across the course of my relationship with this addict, i have given them everything i give everyone else who walks into the room, my time, my experience and my hope, and they decided that what i was giving, was not what they wanted, and that is okay with me. i give until i receive the message that they do not want, and move along. they have asked me for my forgiveness for the incident they choose to lie about, and i have given that as well. as time passes and they come back after the last set of consequences, now they want even more, and unfortunately there is no more for me to give. i can tolerate and yes even love them, but to accept them or spend any of my time with them, well that is something i have not become willing to do, and because i am not a prayerful kind of guy, i more than likely will not pray for the willingness, to go there. i am grateful today, that not only do i have the freedom to seek out my own notions of a HIGHER POWER, i am also free to choose, who i can spend my time with, and today, they are not on the top of the list, no matter how pathetic and pity seeking they may become.
so that challenge being written about, consumed my TENTH STEP last night and was still on my heart during my ELEVENTH this morning. the question that i asked last night was all about whether or not i was wrong for being in that sort of state with that particular peer. where i arrived was, that this too shall pass. yes, for now, as long as i did not act out on these feelings, was honest to others about them and treated this peer with kindness and respect, regardless of wanting to do oh so much more, i would be okay. it is not hypocritical to treat another with dignity, courtesy and respect, even if one cannot stand them, that is called living in the real world, and following a path of being more than i was yesterday. my challenge today, is to turn over my feelings about this peer, into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and move forward into my day. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to be walking a program that allows me to do so.

∞ DT ∞