Blog entry for:

for in giving, I RECEIVE.
this morning, after a restless night, i sit in front of my keyboard staring at this blank space, wondering what will come out as i get started down some sort of track. honestly, i am not as hair-triggered as i was yesterday, nor do i feel like a volcano, whose imminent eruption is seconds away. i still feel the pressure within, the anxiety of a looming FIFTH STEP and am grateful that i planned for and actually have time for a long run this morning. anyhow enough of the what was, as that will be taken care of this afternoon, and on to what is, in the here and now.
ironically, one of my sponsees asked me directly about this selfish paradox, inherent in how the fellowship views the TWELFTH STEP. as we talked the other day, i told him, what i have come to believe, that although there is a selfish component to the program in general and that my program of recovery HAS TO come first in my life, i saw nothing wrong in giving away what i have IN ORDER to keep it. so when it comes to STEP 12, which is where he is, i can question my motives over and over again, but what it all boils down to is this: if i am carrying a message of recovery, either directly through any sort of 12th step call at all, or indirectly through applying these principles in all of my affairs, what does it really matter that my end goal is to keep what i have, to foster my recovery, to receive the gift of recovery back again? i do not sponsor because i became Albert Schweitzer of Gandhi, i sponsor because it keeps me clean. i carry the message into jail, not because i owe the my consequences may be, IF i decide to use, once again providing the impetus to stay clean. it is more than a bit cynical of me, to attribute my altruism to an instinct and desire to live, and perhaps in the long run, that is really what all altruism is.
anyways, selfish or not, i GET to stay clean another day, i GET to practice these principles to the BEST of my ability, and i GET to be an example, shining or otherwise, of what a few days clean in a row, can do to a garden variety addict, like me.
so what was the cause of my restlessness last night? who knows. the clues i have all boil down on how to wrap up the sh!t that is my FOURTH STEP, into a more attractive package. ironically, i told a sponsee on Monday night, that even when sh!t was served on a solid gold plate under a sterling silver dome, it was still sh!t. no matter how i package it, it still stinks, so i might as well give up and just let the POWER that fuels my recovery take over this afternoon.
HMMMM surrender? letting go? being genuine? being present? sounds like a recipe for doing the next right thing, which happens to be, right here and right now, some street time with my running shoes on. it may not be the best day clean i ever had, but right now it feels better than most of the days i had in active addiction.

∞ DT ∞