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what i read this morning was all about carrying a message. what i heard this morning was all about living a program. it is certainly an indication of how my recovery goes, on most days, i skim right past the obvious and seem to seek the more subtle. before i dive deeper into what i felt, i do need to muse about how once upon a time, my whole recovery identity was tied up in “carrying the message.” as some may know, before the pandemic, i carried the message of recovery into places where men were locked up for a variety of reasons. that service was an outgrowth of me leaving committee service behind and finding something lacking in my program it really was not my program theta was lacking. as i have moved beyond what i once was, i see that “hole” was due to my lack of self-worth, even after some time clean and a few step cycles. it was all about what i “did” and not about who i was. if there is one lesson i have learned about recovery in time of plague, it is that tying my self-worth to what i do and external stuff, is a dangerous and slippery slope for me.
one of the things that was driven home yesterday, as i sat and enjoyed a cigar with one of my peers, was his insistence that the relationship with himself was the one he needs to be working on, first and foremost. hearing that, reminds me that many of my peers, even with years and years clean, do not seem to understand that notion, or better put, do not appear to understand that notion. i have use these writings to call many of them out, in the past, so i need not dwell on that for very long. the principle i “heard” this morning that this addict needed to look at, was how am i esteeming myself and what is my value, in my own eyes? i am not so sort of conspiracy, flat-earth, science denier. i live in the real world and often find myself falling into the trap of whether or not i “look” and sound good, to those with whom i share my world. the reading reminded me today that is without a doubt, a treacherous siren song to follow, as the shoals are not all that removed from where i happen to be today. i can stay stuck in “playing to the crowd” or hiding my light under the spiritual camouflage of false humility, or i can step into the identity of the person i am becoming.
i can say that i get a feeling of satisfaction when i visibly carry the message into places it may not reach. i can also say, that getting praise and accolades for doing so, also gives me a feeling of satisfaction. that is part of the lure that tempts me into places i ought not go. looking at myself as whole, rather than having a hole that needs to be filled with something, are the ties that bind me to the mast of my schooner of recovery. today, as i prepare to step out in my neighborhood and burn some calories, i can remember that i am more than the sum of my parts and it is up to me to forge my identity with that in mind.

∞ DT ∞