Blog entry for:

somewhere, somehow, over the course of the past twelve hours i have lost my need to lash out at everyone and everything, out of my frustration over things not going the way i want them to go. the day, however, is quite early, so what was me yesterday, may once again become me today. what i have been giving is attitude, condescension and superiority. what i have been receiving is distance from the targets of my ire. sowing the seeds of my discontent, is a gift that keeps on giving and i am the one that is reaping the fruits of that less than perfect behavior. that my friends, is life in this big city today and perhaps i finally see that the balance i am seeking through my spiritual path does have a little bit of insanity attached.
my attitude of ingratitude has been growing for the past forty-five days,m driven my external events. both of those events affect me directly and neither one of them have yet to have the outcome i desire. the sale of our timeshare is a money pit that has driven me close to the edge financially. no it will not take bread out of my mouth, nor make me miss paying any bills, but it certainly will force me to severely alter my lifestyle to cover the moves i had to make to move forward. not taking a 15% cut in pay to go to a job that really seemed a good fit, left me resentful and bitter. so i guess, now that i look at it, it is all about money and how comfortable i am or am not living. my obsession with material wealth and creature comforts has allowed me to move into a spiritual state i find less that satisfactory and of course it is everyone else's fault. i really do hate when i uncover that money or the lack thereof, is the root of all evil in my life today.
yesterday was all about status, today is all about wealth. what it all boils down to, is that i have allowed DESIRE to once again grab me by my cajones and pull me through to places i would rather not be. apparently as i sat and listened this morning, i uncovered where i happened to be accidentally. i certainly did not expect to it all coming down to dollar signs and was quite certain it was something else creating that certain unease in the air. the question is how do i regain a bit of balance? many of my peers would tell me to seek out a newcomer and work with them for a bit. for me, that would be a distraction and in the long run, i would still need to deal with how much stock i put into how i look and how comfortable i feel with my current balance sheet. what i think i will do instead is let go of where i think i am and look for the opportunity to find guidance from the POWER that fuels my recovery. what once was, need not become real again. i once was incapable of living a day clean and through the program i have been able to live thousands of consecutive days clean. where once i was too closed off and selfish to form and maintain long-term relationships, now i have the ability top do so. most importantly, where once i did not care about who i stepped on, in my rush to get what i DESIRED, today, i care for those in my life and have the means to correct my actions or repair the damage i may do. so in this Kum-By-Yah moment, i can see that there is HOPE for this addict and if i let go of what i think i DESIRE and look for the prize of another day clean and another day closer to my transformation into the person i have always wanted to be, i can let go of what i perceive as not nonworking in my life and hold on to that which does work, just for today.

∞ DT ∞