Blog entry for:

i receive and what i receive is often more valuable than what i offered. every now and again, i actually GET the opportunity to give a bit of what i have learned in recovery away. it is true, sometimes, well a whole lot of the time, i want to reach out, grab someone and say listen here, this recovery gig works, if you just let go and allow it to do so. more than once i have joked about duct-taping a struggling addict to a pole in my basement and force-feeding them them recovery literature until they shat it out, in the hopes that maybe they would get a clue or two. the sad fact of life in the recovery world is many will come, some will stick around and few will actually “get it.”
recently, i have started to understand that maybe aggressively pursuing potential members or even members on the margins, is not the correct manner for me to give it away. it is not as if i was one of those who hammered every single new guy that walked in the door, BUT, as a result of my 12TH STEP. i was beginning to move in that direction. i am seeking balance between hanging on the edges and being part of the welcoming committee. all of that is nice, and what i heard this morning goes to my efforts with carrying the message to those who are already here, and have been for a bit of time. it saddens me to see them stumble along, hurt themselves and live in a miasma of denial about what they are doing. just as the newest of the new, have to do, i want them to get the notion of what exactly they are powerless over and stop trying to change or suppress whatever feelings come up in the course of their daily affairs. i want, i desire , i even crave from time to time, to give them the serenity and FAITH i have found. i want to do so assertively and with extreme prejudice, and then, i pause and remember who i was and what it took, when i too, was incapable of allowing myself to have a feeling or three and the FEAR that surrounded allowing myself to feel something, anything after 25 years of being mostly comfortably numb. this morning what i “heard” was that all i could do is give direction and support and allow those who want what i have to offer, to take only what they can handles here and now. it may not be a 12TH STEP call, but it is certainly part of carrying the message to the still suffering addict. my reward? another day clean and perhaps the joy of seeing another addict finally let go and be okay with allowing themselves the freedom to feel.

∞ DT ∞