Blog entry for:

intention to remain aloof, i find myself learning to care as i begin to recover. being aloof and unapproachable, saved me from all sorts of entanglements when i was in active addiction and the notion that i had to remain so, to be safe and reduce my risk of being hurt, was certainly a theme of my early recovery, as in the first five years or so. it was tough for me to let anyone in or allow them to see that i just may be a social“retard” because i chose to avoid social situations as much as possible, except when using was part of the plan. staying clean and learning to live a program of active recovery, altered my desire to remain “above the fray.” where once i did my utmost to stay out of the situation and manipulate others to act on my behalf, these days i am my own agent, in all situations, social or otherwise.
what does that have to do with maturity and grace? as i mature in my recovery, i see that what i once believed was necessary for my survival is actually holding me back. the problem with a belief structure of any type, IMHO, is that it is too rigid to allow my notions to change as new information comes down the pike. i am certain my belief structure kept me sicker much longer than necessary and it was not until i dismantled it and replaced it with a system of beliefs, that i started making progress towards being the person i am and not the man behind the curtain.
how am i doing otherwise? actually, today i am okay. the waiting has been reduced to less than a week. my work at work is finally being looked at. my head is in a good space but i definitely will need to get out of the house today, as i am going stir crazy. my spiritual fitness program is keeping me sane and my physical fitness program is helping to keep my mind off of what it is i have yet to find out. i guess since i am no longer afraid of what may be and starting to live in the here and now, i have a bit more balance in my life and for that i am grateful, just for today.

∞ DT ∞