Blog entry for:

of recovery in the mind of an addict. there are certainly two directions i can go, and both have to do with the behavior of someone else and the effect of that behavior on me. today, i do believe i will follow the lead of the reading and go in that direction, namely:“how can i fail in carrying the message, if i myself stay clean?”
i have been fired as a sponsor by many addicts, and for me it is no big deal. in general, they have not called or talked to me in weeks or months, and in effect i stopped sponsoring them long before they decided to move along. some of them into active addiction, others into painful periods of abstinence and most of them, however shuffle off to the great unknown. very rarely do i get the opportunity to see a person i have sponsored stay clean and recover. the sponsor that fired me this week may be the exception to that general rule, and i always hope fro the best when someone tells me this is relationship is not working for them, although i have had one that fired and then rehired me, but that is a story for a different day.
there was a time, when i would take on the baggage of i am not “good” to sponsor when i would be fired or a sponsee would relapse. after all, there should have been something different than what i was doing. something more i could have given. something that would have prevented such a big FAIL. maybe i am just not cut out to carry the message and i should cease my 12TH STEP efforts, before i do any more damage. after all, it must be me, i cannot possibly be them! and so the pity party and the self-victimization begins!
this week, there was none of that, but rather a sense of relief. as terrible and cruel as that may sound, it was the spectrum of feelings that i was and continue to have. it has got me wondering why i would feel that and as i looked to my motives, my feelings my actions and all the garbage i sometimes attach to various relationships, i see that the co-dependency was in play in this relationship, and i took on the behaviors of another addict as a refection of the quality of my recovery, when in reality, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. the basic premise of STEP 12 is that i carry and give away the message. nowhere does it say anything about whether or not that message is accepted. nowhere does it say that i “get” who accepts my message and starts to apply these principles in all their affairs. my job is put it out there, and leave it alone. if someone else gets something, than i have done a good thing, if not, it is still a good thing, especially if i can demonstrate that i can live as well as speak the message of recovery.

∞ DT ∞