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the Twelfth Step without realizing it? take two, i started to write about changing the meaning with a single punctuation mark, and ended up actually altering my seed to fit what is on my head and my heart this morning. time and again, i hear from those on the fringes, how when they walk into to the rooms, the feel that everyone, and they mean that literally, EVERYONE is judging them. so they hang in back, drift in and out, maybe get some time clean, but never really achieve anything, recovery-wise, except hanging “around” the rooms. when their a$$ gets into a sling, once again, they come back crying about how awful everyone is to them and how THIS TIME, they intend to do something different. some actually do, do something different, and go on to become members, a living example of what it means to make the change from being “around the rooms” into becoming a member that participates in their own recovery.
my actual experience with this sort of recovery, only lasted for the first seven months of my own time of being “around the rooms.” for me, the threat of three years as a ward of the department of corrections, was enough to sit my ass down and keep me here, even though my plan was to be gone the day after the Twentieth Judicial District had their pound of flesh. well those days passed quite some time ago, and today, i GET to still be here, despite the fact that what once was verboten, is now socially acceptable, and that the consequences of doing a little sumthin', sumthin' do not appear to be quite as heinous. in fact, abstinence has more than likely lowered my tolerance and just a little dab will do me!
unfortunately, it has also been my experience to see what that little dab does do to others, who had long-term recovery and decided that a woman, o little of this or that, would not hurt anything. perhaps they too, will get what i have, once again, but rubbing it in their face and preaching the gospel of the “no matter what club” to them, will have little positive effect and may actually have consequences i would rather not set in motion. for me, the 12th STEP, comes down to living right, letting those who ask, what has changed me into the man i am today, and be a living example, good or bad, of what an addict can look like, if one does what is suggested, nothing more or nothing less. the lies those on the fringe tell themselves? well i know what they are, i own them and they could be mine as well. for me, at least just for today, i have enough grace to know them for what they are, MY EXCUSE TO USE, as if i really ever needed one. so time to head on out, grateful that just for today, i may be able to be a good example of what it means to be an addict who is in recovery.

∞ DT ∞