Blog entry for:

before i got clean, when i was merely abstinent and after i accepted a life of recovery, is certainly an interesting and checkered journey. i forget that is one of the most valuable tools i possess to plant a seed of recovery in the mind of a still suffering addict. as i sat in meetings the past two days, what struck me, once i let go of what i was holding on to, was how my peers saw the opposite side of the person, we all are grieving. i, too, am guilty of simplifying my memory of him, focusing on the part of him, that did not reflect his ideals. as i start to let go of what i want to see and allow what others saw, into my assessment of our peer, i get a sense of the “person” rather than the stilted judgement that has plagued me the past few days. i GET to let go of what was and be okay with where i am, accepting others as they are.
part of coming to terms with who i am, in this brave new world out of the shadow of the BIG LIE, that defined me for so long, is accepting others as they are. they make choices, over which i have no power. the past choices they have made have brought them to the brink of disaster and times of isolation and perhaps even loneliness. i can “suggest” that they ask for a course of action to improve their lot, but i cannot force them to do so. i can be optimistic about their quality of life, even if they seem to have accepted that they are “doomed” to be sick and alone for the rest of their life. i can remember the past for them, even when they deny their responsibility. most of all i can love them for who they are, and not who i want them to be. the lats part is the toughest for me, as i have just started to finally come to that own place when i think of myself.
i certainly do not have all the answers to the mysteries of living clean, but i have more than a few clues about how to do it. i may not be the model of the recovering addict, but today, i carry my spiritual principles into the workplace and out into “normal” society, with very little effort. i got my new job, based on my honesty and my dedication to making myself worth taking a chance on. in the long run, it may really suck, or i may really suck. that part of my life has yet to be written. i know what i said and i know what i will need to do, over the next few weeks, to make that a reality. just for today, however, i am going to do as little as possible and allow myself the freedom, to just be and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞