Blog entry for:

to do that, i will put my recovery first.
my second attempt...
there are those who return to the rooms once a year and gush about how grateful they are for the life the fellowship has given them, collect their key tag, perhaps a brass coin, allow other members to blow some smoke up their figurative as$$es and disappear again for another year in a cloud of smoke. almost without exception, they say that they are too busy living the new life they have been given to show up at meetings, after all, they have been clean and worked some steps. why do they need to do anything more. the have gotten what they came for, a new life and social acceptability. i used to wonder why they pissed me off sometimes, these so-called “thieves of recovery.” today, as a result of my step work i know, i am jealous and envious about how they look. me, i know a year without meetings, no matter how busy i got, would be dangerous to say the least. honestly, they may be so fVcked up that they are afraid to admit it, or they may be doing just fine and the show they put on once a year is sincere, it really does not matter, when i really get down to it. for me, my recovery is far more than an annual celebration, although i DO TAKE these celebrations quite seriously.
sorry, that this turned into a polemic already. what was meant to be an entry point into why it feels important to me, to do what i need to do, including regular meeting attendance, to foster my recovery, turned into a bit more. honestly, if i could get everything i am getting and not have to do all that i am doing, i would do so in a heart beat. i am after all, basically a self-centered, selfish and lazy creature of habit. even though, it is a just for today program, i feel it is important to acknowledge recovery milestones, for myself and for others. i was sharing with my sponsee yesterday how intimidated i was by my current sponsor, way back when i first met him, when i barely had six months clean and got my first experience with service, in a trail by fire, so to speak. that however is a story for another day, the trial by fire part, not how intimidated i was by my sponsor. he had years and years clean, hew showed up for service and meetings, but most importantly, the first time he looked at me, i felt his eyes pierce my crumbling wall of isolation and touch a part of me, that had yet to be opened up. i vowed then and there that, that man would never ever, under any circumstances be my sponsor, and that i would do what ever it took to keep away, far, far away from him.
today, it has almost been 8 years that man has been sponsoring me, ironic how things work out sometime!
what does that have to do with going to meetings, even after years clean? well he still goes to meetings on a regular basis. he still works steps. he still is part of the fellowship and he is still working with other recovering addicts through sponsorship. for him, this is the only way that he can keep what he has, and more and more i am seeing that i, like him, am in the same boat. if i want it, and i do, than i have to keep doing the deed, as hard as it sometimes feel to drag my a$$ to another meeting and listen to someone whine about how awful their life is, because…
as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, i can feel something more than gratitude for these days that have stretched into years clean. there is a feeling of certainty, that i could never become a “recovery thief!” at this point in my life, i could perhaps do it for a year, maybe two, but sooner or later, as i drifted further and further away on a cloud of self-will and self-absorption, the notion that i could use without the consequence of active addiction, would enter my head, and the it would be a battle of addiction versus self-will, just like it was the days before i finally got clean and decided that i was willing to do whatever it took to get out of the justice system.
do not get me wrong, jealousy and envy aside, i do not wish those members any ill, yes i would love to be more like them, but in reality, i am an addict, who has today clean and has made the choice to do whatever is necessary to maintain that recovery. which means, hopping in the shower and getting ready to go to my home group for a its weekly meeting. yes, i am grateful, i have a pl;ace to go where everyone know my name!

∞ DT ∞