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as to recognize my own defects more clearly. what i may see will can guide my actions in recovery and help me become an emotionally healthy and happy individual.
the irony of the statement above does not escape today and is so fVcking obvious, that other than acknowledging that it exists, requires no further discussion by me this morning. what is really ironic, is that a year ago, while in battle for what i believed was the souls of two of the men i sponsor, with a using addict, i focused not on my actions, but the actions of a friend who i have left behind. denial, rationalization and justification comprise a great smoke-screen for preventing me from seeing what i may need to see. the vision i lacked a year ago, is certainly telling of where i got to today and although i am not entirely ready, i am certainly much closer to becoming entirely ready that i was three weeks ago, when i sat down with the sponse and talked about STEP work. the question comes down to if i really want to be an emotionally healthy individual, or is sitting in a pile of sh!t of my own making really more comfortable. a year ago, that pile was warm and quite comfortable, today, i cannot deal with the stench anymore, in fact i am ready (almost) to take a shower in the glory of moving through STEP SIX, to stretch and twist this metaphor.
the topic at hand, however was using my ability and desire to be judgmental, for a greater purpose, other than building up my seemingly fragile ego. the trick here, is when changing the focus, i do not apply the whip on myself without mercy, as another character defect of mine, would have me do. i am after all, my own worst critic and when my laser beam focus is reverted upon myself, all hell breaks loose, and i usually end up worse off for the experience. the trick is balance, the sort of balance an emotionally healthy person would have, but as i am not an emotionally healthy person yet, it takes conscious effort to do my best to achieve that balance.
i do need to backtrack a bit here. i just said i am not an emotionally healthy person. that is true in a very strict sense. in reality, that is not some sort of binary state, as the shades of grey encompassed between being sick and being well, are infinite. i am more emotionally healthy than i was when i walked into the rooms. certainly i am healthier than i was a year ago. i am not as healthy as i would like to be, but that ideal, is just that an ideal, that even the most well of the other 85% rarely achieve, so right here and right now, i am accepting that destination, while possible to attain, is not very likely to be something i will ever reach. it is my journey towards that goal that is important and not the goal itself. today, i am certainly on that journey and i can and will use my ability to discern in others, that which i do not like in myself, to help guide me on that journey. after all, getting there is half the fun, n'est-ce pas?

∞ DT ∞