Blog entry for:

in all my affairs, i can leave the results up to the POWER that fuels my recovery.
this morning, is very slow going for me. i slept in, despite a canine companion who though she was starving and kept bugging to get my a$$ out of bed. i have moved from one task to another at a snail's pace and yet, i am far from stressed about what i want to get accomplished today and if i will be able to get it done. nope, i am in a place where i will do what i can and leave the rest up to the powers that be. perhaps the wind will come up and blow all the leaves on my lawn off into Kansas, i will boot-up a troublesome computer and find the problem in less than a cigar and find and fix all the bugs that are haunting my application. all this and more is possible. honestly, raking the leaves is not part of my to do list, as my trees have yet to finish dropping their load, so the wind while nice, is not what i really need today. all of that aside, the reading this morning seems to fit in with what i have been feeling. trying to be patient, while the world adjusts itself to my expectations.
there is the crux of my frustrations, EXPECTATIONS! since i decided to start this journey in another fellowship, my head was filled with explicit promise, that seemed to say that all i had to do is hang out and i would become the person i always wanted to be. of course, those promises were lifted out of context, and are actually presented AFTER one has worked through the first NINE STEPS, but for someone like me, who was grasping at anything that seemed to show a brighter future, that fact was irrelevant after all the book says…
so from the very start i had expectations of what my life and future would look like, even once i got the fact that step work was required. honestly, even after working all 12 STEPS, i could detect very little change in my life, beyond the immediate and financial benefits of not using and as such, was on the verge of walking away from recovery. after all, this was a suit of clothes that just did not fit. instead i traded in one suit for another, and although that suit did not fit much better, those who were here, explicitly told me, it was me that would have to undergo a spiritual metamorphosis to fit the clothes, as they were not going to change. recovery is recovery, PERIOD. on this there are no compromises. even worse, they told me that there was but ONE SINGLE promise, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION. by that time, that particular promise had been met in my life and i finally could let go of the nonsense i filled my head with, in those early days in those ill-fitting clothes, that i never could get altered enough to comfortably fit into. do not misunderstand me, that fellowship works for lots of addicts, my original sponsor included. they make thew alterations to themselves through the recover process to fit into those clothes, and my problem was i wanted to alter the clothes to fit me. that did not work there and i doubt that it will not work in the fellowship in which i landed and now call my home.
so how does any of that fit in with the reading this morning? it is because i accept that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery, i can remain comfortably ensconced in the life i have. my job is to live the STEPS, let go and be present for whatever comes down the pike today, as it is happening. that task as daunting as it is, is not only possible, but if i keep my mind on the here and now, is highly probable as well. honestly i will have to make the commute to Aurora at least most of the days this week. honestly i will have to get more than one thing accomplished today to satisfy myself and those who are paying me. and honestly i can and will stay clean and lose any regret over what happened or did not happen yesterday and any worry over what may or may not happen tomorrow. it is a good day to walk the walk as well as walk the talk, and the clothing metaphor comes from one of the men i sponsor. at the time i did not like it, but as i was listening this mornings and started to write this, i saw how apt it really was for me. time to hit the showers and decide who i will be playing in my fantasy football league today.

∞ DT ∞