Blog entry for:

only day i need, as i live in FAITH that this program of recovery can and will work for me.
as i sat in my home group yesterday, i had a startling revelation: as a result of my last set of steps i had a very deep and profound spiritual experience, an awakening beyond any that i have ever had before. as with most of my progress on this journey, i missed the event, in and of itself, and it was not until months later, that i realized what had happened. this is not the fits time i missed a a “sign post.” i never realized that my desire to use had been lifted during that first year of my recovery, until at least three months after the fact and only because one of my peers asked me if i still had the desire to use. when i answered that i did not, they asked me about when it was taken away. i had to think back and feel my way to that answer. today i can state that process happened on the day after my first 5TH STEP, which was early February 1998.
as i work my 3RD STEP, this time, i am getting a sense of how fundamentally my spiritual world shifted in that last set of 12 steps and how that shift is playing out today. in the past, my current financial situation as well as my work situation would have driven me to distraction. i would have been shucking and jiving my way to get the outcome i desire. i would have been praying, beseeching and begging GOD to provide a way out of the mess i had worked myself into, looking for signs in the clouds and my dreams of the perfect combination of events i would need to be lifted from this mess. i should be moody, short and irritable working everyone in my life over, so that they too could share in my misery. instead i am experiencing an eerie calm and certainty that as long as i stick to my plan, everything will work out okay, in fact it will work out just the way it needs to, and it will not be a 1.6 BILLION dollar ticket that saves my bacon.
just for today, i can let go of what it is i DESIRE and seek the opportunities to get what i NEED. it is a good day to be better than i was yesterday and i am quite certain that if i am present for what is going on around me, i will have ample opportunity to continue on this recovery path to the best me i can be.

∞ DT ∞