Blog entry for:

commitment to my recovery, is nothing new, i have been doing it for a few days in a row. living in FAITH, is where i stumble and although i do walk through days clean, under the influence of some force more powerful than myself, i still stumble when i am asked to share about the whole GOD package. when i consider how i got to where i am, i am not all that grateful for having my journey to recovery routed through the justice system and based on the FEAR of incarceration. no matter how many times i say that it does not matter how one ends up in recovery, i often feel as if i am a second class citizen, because i did not choose to be here and was forced to remain clean, by powers external to me. in fact, my concept of a “higher power” in early recovery was the 20TH Juridical District of Colorado. when i go down that path, it is up to me to remember that i have long ago been freed from that burden and i remain in recovery because i CHOOSE to do so.
going down that path, opens up a few doors that i had not considered as i sat down to pound this little ditty out. the one i am choosing to open is how much of my life is my work and how much of my current life is purely the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery? this is where i diverge from many of my peers, as my FAITH does not include miracles, signs or manna from heaven. i am not one of those who see the world through the lens of everything happens for a reason and that there must be some sort of plan and perhaps that is the well from which i draw my seemingly unlimited supply of cynicism. i do, however, have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide for me the opportunity to get everything i “need” to get today, even if i greedily hunger for more. i stay clean by choice and that POWER gives me strength to bolster that choice. i choose to take care of my physical and emotional self and that POWER also provides me the means to do so. when i look at it through microscope, i can say that for this addict, that is living in the THIRD STEP, even though it may not looks as if i am doing so, when compared to my peers in recovery.
where am i going with all of this? well it seems and certainly feels that i live in a partnership with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i ask for the power to stay clean and look for the opportunities that i am provided to better my life, even though i may not realize that is what i need. i can continue to pretend that i have any power over some of the people in my life, or just accept that they will never actually ask a question where they may get an answer that is uncomfortable for them. i can blithely go through my day assuming that everything will be “okay,” or i can open my eyes and my ears to what is a bit “off” and ask for the power to make whatever corrections may be required. just for today, i can be aware of my 3RD STEP decision and live accordingly.

∞ DT ∞