Blog entry for:

commitment to recovery,
ironically i was texting with one of the men i sponsor last night about the topic present in the reading. of course, being the contrarian and rebel that i fancy myself being, i am not going to write about that this morning. before i wander off, there is a few things i need to say about step three and living in the here and now. no pithy or witty meme will do this morning, but i do dedicate my life to recovery because i have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will care for my will and my life. that FAITH, however has come at a price, long periods of observation and evaluation and amassing an enormous pile of evidence that is does work. does that make my FAITH any less genuine to that of one who arrives there and just believes? i do not know, and more importantly i do not care. i can safely say that i have FAITH that if i commit to a DAILY program of recovery i will have my needs and many of my wants met, in the here and now. what i need to do, is to surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER and my recovery will progress as it has for all of these days in a row.
past, present or future, trying to suss out the infinite number of paths that could have brought me here or all the possible paths that might bring to somewhere i may want to be, is a tiring and futile exercise and a waste of my time. i believe i have something to offer my peers, especially the newest ones, because of the path that brought me to this place. i save money, have payroll deductions and plan vacation in the future not because i KNOW what tomorrow will bring, but because i having a plan and goals is not living in the future, it is actually preparing for the uncertainty of tomorrow and as long as i do not start to manipulate people, places and things, to force the outcomes i desire, i am simply planning and working towards goals. each day i commit to living a program of recovery, may make my future that much brighter, or at least i will be better prepared to handle the ups and downs of real life.
once again my mind turns to politics and once again i see in others, that which i do not like to admit exists in me. there was a time in my life, when i could try and be all things to all people and get away with it. when i need to be a bigoted, misogynistic gorilla, i could be. when i needed to be sensitive, new-age male, i could be that as well. i walked through my life, shifting my persona to fit the circumstances i found myself in. it was self-will run riot, in extremis. part of my vision of who i am becoming is genuine. i am what i appear to be, is how i interpret that today. i could loudly bitch and moan about foreign actors sabotaging my life, or how no one “gets me,” and there is some sort of conspiratorial misinformation conspiracy that is rigging my life against me achieving my goals. those refrains are familiar and resonate in me, as they were part and parcel of my daily ritual of why i just might need to get high today, especially after the legal gavel started its journey of ruining my life. so i site here today, and i do not wonder what it would be like, if the events of my life had been changed ever so slightly, as i have better things to do.
i have yet to cast my ballot, but that is going to change over the weekend as i tire of everything political in this shrill and polarized political season. i am so tired of the whining from the old guard as they perform the Vulcan death grip on their illusion of what they think we have. i am no more pleased with the other side that wants to sweep everything that is not new, out the door. the simple facts are, that many people are probably more like me, somewhere between conservatively religious right and secular liberal left, and there is no one candidate who even comes close to meeting our needs, nor will there likely ever be, as our corporate overlords have no intention of doing anything but presenting me with the illusion of free will and a choice. the real power belongs to the Wells Fargos, the Pfizers. the Koch brothers and the Haliburtons of the world and not in any political system. as cynical as that sounds, i can move forward with my day, working for one of those megalithic giants and be okay, as just for today that task allows me the FREEDOM to choose recovery, which has not been bought or sold by the corporate world, yet. 😜

∞ DT ∞