Blog entry for:

of my FAITH in life itself. an interesting tidbit in the news today made me stop and pause. the defenders of POTUS are tiring of having to defend his gaffes and losing their patience with him. it has always dumbfounded me, how career politicians could march lockstep into this quagmire of open corruption. once upon a time i had FAITH that the denizens of DC had enough skill in self-preservation and greed to keep their corporate gravy trains rolling. the past three years have shown me that demagoguery trumps money. needless to say, that was not what i heard this morning, just an interesting aside before i dive deeper into how i live a program of recovery, today.
i have written before how my program of recovery grew from a fear based to a hope based one and finally one rooted in FAITH. i have come to see that as a natural progression as i consider the recovery of my peers. i know for myself anyhow FEAR ruled my early recovery. fear of incarceration was replaced by fear of relapse and that fear kept me from stepping out from the “norm” and find a different path. no i am, not talking about leaving this fellowship, i have FAITH in what they have told me from the very beginning, even if i spent years trying to disqualify myself. no my fear led me to conform, when conformity nearly killed me and drove me out to find another means of quelling the part of me i call addiction. even as i resisted what i “felt” i still began to see that i could HOPE fro another day clean, all i had to do was follow the pack. following the pack kept me clean, but i was dissatisfied and looking for an out, when i finally became open-minded enough to allow myself to see the light. i was at the same place one of my peers reached on her twentieth anniversary, if this is all there is, i might as well use. she went back to the “life” and i hope she found what she desired. i on the other hand, am a stubborn person and just as my astrological sign suggests i will keep ramming my head into a wall, until it or my head crumbles under the onslaught. dogged determination and a change of scenery allowed me to walk around that wall and find the path to grow from the HOPE i could stay clean into the FAITH that the program of recovery i am practicing has led to a better life for me.
this morning as i prep[are to jump in the shower and make my commute down to the office, i see that my life, based in recovery as it is, is only possible because i decided to stop being so stubborn and allow myself the freedom to think a bit differently. yes this is a No Matter What kind of program. yes there really is no “advanced” recovery. there is a HUGE HOWEVER in my book. once the desire to use was lifted and i became comfortable in living a program, i needed, like the good addict i am, something more. i get that “something more,” today, when i allow myself to look for with my heart, rather than my head at my life today.

∞ DT ∞