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so this has been the theme for the past few weeks in my life and my recovery. for me, letting go, is the equivalent of surrender, which i define as ceasing to fight. ever since i did the reading part of my SIXTH STEP assignment, the theme of surrender has permeated all that i do, the questions i am being asked by my sponsees, in the daily readings and in my life in general. truthfully, a this phase in my recovery, it makes perfect sense, after all, i NEED to become willing, and for me, willingness usually only comes from acceptance, which comes from tolerance, which is started when i finally cease fighting. so as much as i would love to think that i am on a willingness step, i see it stems from letting and entrusting my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
last night, i had to tell a member he could not serve with me in a commitment, because he could not clearly, concisely and consistently carry the message of our fellowship. i really felt like a sh!t for doing so, especially when i had at least two or even three other ways to disqualify him. physical inability to do the job, and lack of continuous clean time to name a few. in my TENTH STEP last night, i realized that i had actually chosen the kindest path of all. i had given him the entry point into our fellowship, one that may allow him to be a part of, instead of on the fringes. what amazed me the most, was how clueless he was about the message he was carrying. another addict told me later, that is ALWAYS the case. those who do it are oblivious to what they are doing. here i thought it was out of spite, stubbornness and arrogance and not ignorance. see what happens when i assume! yes, there is some clean-up i need to go back and do, and as loathe as i am to even talk to this member, perhaps it is as the reading talks about, where i NEED to get the direction my life is taking. in fact, two of the addicts i try and avoid the most were thrust into my face last night, no matter hoe hard i tried to avoid them, and man i am starting to get the message, that each of them has something i NEED, even though talking to them makes me feel like my hair is on fire. it is certainly part of the process i am undergoing, being thoroughly worked over by my SIXTH STEP. the thing that makes it the most difficult, is that as i do the maintenance part of the program, the step process becomes part of it as well. hmm, i have always wanted to become whole, i just never realized what that really meant or implied for my day to day, moment by moment existence. as i am often apt to say:
IT IS WHAT IT IS, GIVE IT UP AND MOVE ON!
and i will. it is a good day to be clean and to have tasks on my desk that pay my bills, so off to shower land and into the fray i go.

∞ DT ∞