Blog entry for:

i will pay attention, grateful for my responsibilities and the special joys they bring. just when i think no one is listening, i hear from someone who i have not heard from in a while. the internal angst that i wrote about yesterday, elicited a response from one of the men i got clean with, way back when. yes, it was true, that lately the whole being clean is not paying off theme, has been a very recurring theme. as the battle between addiction and recovery grinds on, i was struck by what my friend from the beginning had to say, “that's what has kept us moving forward 4 the last 15 years, eh bro?”
not the grind, not the responsibilities, not the gifts, but the fact that we are free from active addiction, him and i, at least. all of that other stuff is really white noise, when it comes right down to it. this so-called battle for my heart and soul, is really me blowing up the simple fact that it is up to me to surrender to the fact i am an addict, and the natural thing for an addict to do is use. of course, this recovery journey is paying off, if it was not, i would not even be considering whether doing the work to stay clean and grow was worth it. i would just be numb, and who knows what figurative rubbish heap of life i would be perched upon or buried under.
letting go of what was, and moving into the what is, i did settle down and listen to my daily inventory last night, and amazingly this morning i was able to quiet seemingly incessant internal chatter for nearly 10 minutes as i listened for where to go this morning. the wrong i need to admit and make up for, not last night. the person was there at the meeting, i was not present spiritually, and that definitely would have been more harm than good. the time will be right soon enough, i feel the shift starting to happen inside. i am about to decide and commit to being entirely ready to have the POWER that fuels my recovery, remove my character defects and move into STEP SEVEN. i am sure there will more than one last gasp, but i believe today, that unless i want to return to the life i left behind, in all its glory, this is something i NEED to do. no matter how jealous i get of those who have the ability to go out and come right back in again, i do not believe that i could do that. i may have at least another use in me, but i doubt. i could come back after 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year. therefore the easier, softer way for this addict, is to keep moving forward.
being present? well i do my best today. yes, there is a reward or something i desired for each and every one of my responsibilities. yes i know that the fulfillment of my desires is often the root cause of my unmanageable life. there is however, a place where a balance can be struck. i can listen quietly to my heart, instead of impulsively listen to my head. it is in my heart, in a very quiet voice, where the POWER that fuels my recovery speaks to me, and it is up to me to allow that to happen, dial down the volume on the white noise, so i can hear what i need to hear. today, i heard it, and what i heard, was yes i am good enough and yes this is worth it and just for today, i can be better than i was yesterday. feeling that i know that i am on the correct branch of this road, today. my little tour through self-pity, dishonesty and false pride? well it was what it was, just a diversion from the task at hand, doing my best to live a program of recovery.
time to get top the office and start hammering away at the code i did not get completely done last Wednesday. after all they are paying me quite well, to do the stuff i do.

∞ DT ∞