โฅ to show love for myself, whether i **feel** โฅ
Posted: Fri, Mar 8, 2013 07:47:49 AM
that love or not; i can start paying attention to my own needs. interesting where my mind goes some days. anyhow, where it went this morning was to the question of whether or not self-esteem is the same as loving myself. before i go too far this trail, i think i will stop and do a shout-out:
esteem: To regard something as valuable; to prize.
well that certainly makes things clear as mud. what is starting to come through now, is that self-esteem is part of loving myself. a prerequisite as it was. after all, there is nothing or no one in my life that i love, that i see as having no value. even the most recalcitrant of the chronic relapsers, has value in my eyes, hence i can love them. so finding self-esteem, is essential for me to learn how to love myself. sort of like the surrender -> tolerance -> acceptance chain, that drives me freaking nutz from time to time. in order to love myself, i need to find that i have value in my own eyes.
the reading, therefore, needs to be looked at from a different angle. now that i am getting down i can see, it is all about behaving my way into better thinking. even if i could not love myself, i can behave as if i saw value in myself and start to do good things for myself, like i was courting a lover. by treating myself better, i will come to see that i have value. if i see that i have value, i can learn to love myself and as a result truly love others, not just mouth the words to the first warm body that happens to jump into my bed, for a few nights in a row. i can now see that when i was doing the whole scene back in the day, i sought out the weakest and most feeble for sexual conquests, because i felt so bad about myself, that i need to boost my value in my own eyes. those women were pathetic in my opinion, and yet i could not get enough of them, because i felt in control, powerful and yes that i had value, after all i have someone in my life that i have made love me, warts and all. definitely a now take on what i see around me today. i sought serial partners because i felt worthless and fearful about being showed up for how weak and needy i really was.
well that was an interesting little tidbit of garbage from my past, but it does put a lot of things into perspective. today, i am dependent on those in the fellowship to mirror what i cannot readily see. that is the gift the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me on a daily basis. i have value, because day after day, i do good things for myself, like being a member of the “no matter what club.” today i work, i live and yes i love, because i have those abilities and doing all of that shows me i have value and yes i am worth loving. so in the end, i guess the reading was not all that divergent and tangential at all. it is a good day to be clean and it is time to get some bills paid and head off to work. yes even that ia an act of love today.
Congrats Derek R,
9 years, yes you heard it correctly!
9 years of clean days in a row
Good job my friend
KEEP COMING BACK
esteem: To regard something as valuable; to prize.
well that certainly makes things clear as mud. what is starting to come through now, is that self-esteem is part of loving myself. a prerequisite as it was. after all, there is nothing or no one in my life that i love, that i see as having no value. even the most recalcitrant of the chronic relapsers, has value in my eyes, hence i can love them. so finding self-esteem, is essential for me to learn how to love myself. sort of like the surrender -> tolerance -> acceptance chain, that drives me freaking nutz from time to time. in order to love myself, i need to find that i have value in my own eyes.
the reading, therefore, needs to be looked at from a different angle. now that i am getting down i can see, it is all about behaving my way into better thinking. even if i could not love myself, i can behave as if i saw value in myself and start to do good things for myself, like i was courting a lover. by treating myself better, i will come to see that i have value. if i see that i have value, i can learn to love myself and as a result truly love others, not just mouth the words to the first warm body that happens to jump into my bed, for a few nights in a row. i can now see that when i was doing the whole scene back in the day, i sought out the weakest and most feeble for sexual conquests, because i felt so bad about myself, that i need to boost my value in my own eyes. those women were pathetic in my opinion, and yet i could not get enough of them, because i felt in control, powerful and yes that i had value, after all i have someone in my life that i have made love me, warts and all. definitely a now take on what i see around me today. i sought serial partners because i felt worthless and fearful about being showed up for how weak and needy i really was.
well that was an interesting little tidbit of garbage from my past, but it does put a lot of things into perspective. today, i am dependent on those in the fellowship to mirror what i cannot readily see. that is the gift the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me on a daily basis. i have value, because day after day, i do good things for myself, like being a member of the “no matter what club.” today i work, i live and yes i love, because i have those abilities and doing all of that shows me i have value and yes i am worth loving. so in the end, i guess the reading was not all that divergent and tangential at all. it is a good day to be clean and it is time to get some bills paid and head off to work. yes even that ia an act of love today.
∞ DT ∞