Blog entry for:

as is it here this morning, way off of my regular routine, i wonder about how good do i really feel about myself these days? the steps and the program of recovery have allowed me the knowledge of who and what i am, BUT, and as you can see it is a big one, am i really satisfied and content being who and what i am? before i get going, a quick shout out

7 years clean DEREK R
GREAT JOB
i am glad to see you back in the rooms

so back to the task at hand…
there are days when i am more than just okay with how i see myself. there are days, when i am quite satisfied with who i am. there are also days, when i feel like i am still the piece of sh!t person that slithered into the rooms via the back door, all those days ago. i guess that is just part of the human condition, that the addict overlay plays into. this morning i am satisfied with where i am in my life, although things are far from peachy keen. last week was a rough one in this respect, i just felt that i would never be anything more, and the future looked dim, through the filter of self-esteem. i know that i am powerless over feelings, unless i choose to act on the impulses of the part of me i call addiction. yes, doing so, takes away the pain, the confusion and my need to thrive, that is the prize. the price? well in the long run, a return to using, in the short run, a rebooting of the whole shame -> use -> shame feedback cycle, that took so long for me to break out of. the prize for not caving to the addict? well, i GET to choose again, whether or not i desire a life in the sunshine of active recovery. the price? doing the work it takes to stay clean today and thrive.
part of this gig, that i am beginning to see with a bit more clarity is how shame plays such a large part in my self-esteem. when i spoke yesterday about breaking out of the ‘SHOULD’ paradigm, i was starting to actually see what part shame plays in my view of who i am and how i feel about me. it is true that i came to recovery with a shameful past. it is true that i had learned at an early age, how to use shame as a weapon against others, but more importantly as a weapon against myself. that weapon was and is one in the arsenal, that the addict part of me tries to use to its advantage. where i am today, is my past is my past, and all of my past has made me the man i am today. i need not be ashamed of what happened way back when. nor do i need to use the stick of shame to hinder my progress in my recovery. when i put it in those terms, finding a way to feel good about who i am, becomes quite easy and yes even simple. that revelation has its price as well. if i want to continue to banish shame from my life, and today i do, than i need to continue my program of active recovery. the prize? just a bit more self-esteem, a bit more of loving myself and most importantly a bit more security knowing i am becoming the man i am proud to be.
the time has come to shower, it is certainly strange to be sitting here in my PJs at 9:00 in the morning, not shameful, just weird, and i can certainly do something about weird!

∞ DT ∞