Blog entry for:

learning to love myself has been quite the process and one that has changed over time. if you had asked me if i loved myself while i was in active addiction, i would have responded, "why yes don‘t you?" if you had asked me the same question during the first thirty days of my recovery i would have probably replied, "i think so." after six months in recovery my answer was " no but i am working on that." if you asked that same question today i would say "yes, but perhaps not unconditionally."
as i have walked the path of recovery, i have come to learn about what love is and is not. i have also learned who i really am, a recovering addict who is the sum of his defects, shortcomings, assets and abilities. that knowledge of how i feel and who i am has led to some rather unexpected results and a revision of what i felt or did not feel when i came to recovery. i now know that active addiction had stripped me of my self-esteem, self-acceptance and left me loathing the man i had become. all of my blustering and posturing was a result of the denial of hat i was truly feeling at that time, and when those feelings started to get to me, i would reach into my pharmacopeia and medicate those feelings into blissful oblivion. the steps and the loving care of my fellow members have shown me that i am capable of tolerating who i am. as i practice tolerance, i come to accept who i am and with acceptance comes the ability to love myself as i am today. the unconditional part will grow over time, of that i am certain, as i continue to grow in my recovery, work some more steps and truly become the man always meant to be. so when the implied promise in, "we will love you until you learn to love yourself," has come true for me, i have learned how to love myself and a whole lot more. and the fulfillment of that promise is a gift that gives me a sense of gratitude today! so with that i will close with this thought:

Congratulations on achieving two years clean Derek, i am glad you kept coming back!

∞ DT ∞