Blog entry for:

helps me recognize and feel love for myself.
this is certainly a tough topic, after all, addiction is all about being self-centered and selfish. it is ironic that all this obsession with self, there is little or no self-esteem or even love for myself. as is it on this bus, watching the sun rise on this early March morning, i have to trip back in time to where i was when i walked into the rooms. as heinous as my early recovery was, and it was heinous, things so much simpler way back when. after all, all i had to do was go to meetings and not use between meetings, and all would be well. before i go on, i need to pause for a regularly scheduled public announcement!

DEREK R
EIGHT YEARS CLEAN
or 2922 “just for todays” in a row
Great Job My Friend
KEEP COMING BACK!

now that i have paid the bills, as it were, i can move forward. so in those simpler times of early recovery i heard about self-esteem and the whole we will love you gig, but did not believe they were speaking to me, after all i was the center of my world, did that not demonstrate how much i loved myself? as the days wore on, i discovered the dichotomy within, i was selfish and self-entitled, BECAUSE i loathed what i had become. yes, i could shift the blame on to addiction, and see myself as a victim of the disease, and yet, even in those days, there was something wrong with that picture. blaming was part of HOW i dealt with my lack of self-respect and self-esteem. victimization allowed me to survive each day and do what it took to use in the days before recovery, and just hang on, in those early days.
as the layers of denial, and refusal were stripped away, and i came to terms with the fact that i was an addict and would forever be one, is tarted to that i could have some worth. as i worked the steps and stopped being different, i started to see the price i paid for active addiction and decided that my life was not worth reclaiming, BUT i could build a new life with the help of those who already loved me, long before i could love myself. so the process of becoming the person i always wanted to be, was initiated.
fast forward to today. through the process of recovery, i am uncovering everything i once knew about who i was and allowing myself to return to that state. the problem, is that person was a child when he started using, so all of this, even though it was always here, is uncharted territory for me. what i see in the mirror today is an adolescent in a very mature body, and although i have come to accept that, there is still a regret for all that lost time, in active addiction. the good thing i will do for myself today, is accept the gifts i am being given and do the best i can to better myself through the events of today, i am after all, WORTH IT!

∞ DT ∞