Blog entry for:

was the day when i finally knew how to love myself.
well in early recovery, not so much as i already thought i loved, respected and esteemed myself. even through that first set of steps, in the wrong fellowship i really thought i was advanced because i was quite fVcking sure, that lack of any of these qualities was not what i was about, at all.
it was not until i moved fellowships, and finally accepted that i was an addict and not “addicted to” that the realization, that i lacked any sort of self-love, minimal self-respect and the tiniest bit of self-respect.
the symptoms were quite obvious, i guess to anyone i really let in: seeking approval through material things and rescuing those who seemed, IMHO, to need to be rescued. doing and saying things that were not part of my value system. and prostituting myself trying to look better in the eyes of my peers and acquaintances. ah, the depth of my addiction! when i heard that addiction affected me, physically, emotionally and spiritually, finally realized what it was that i was hearing and the denial of “NOT ME,” finally begin to shatter. so the journey began. before i move forward:

Derek R, my friend and sponsee,
wot a year it has been!
thanks for seeing it out
for 11 years.

and now for something quite the same.
so the fact, it was not the love of a woman or a new car, that i needed, although i thought both of those would certainly fix me. it was not thousands of FaceBook friends, or a non-stop ringing of my telephone, nor was it dozens of service commitments, or creating a big splash in the fellowship, that was going to make me love myself, although i tried all of those various activities.affirmations in the mirror, or paying a talk therapist to tell me i had daddy issues, was not going to do the trick either. no what had to happen, was that i needed to find some sort of process to see myself as i truly was, and to give me the HOPE, that i could grow beyond that definition. for me, that ended up being the steps, and the reason i continually work the steps, is that i am quite certain that the destination of becoming the man i have always wanted to be, has yet to be reached. yes, i still have work to do, as evidenced by the non-committal way i left someone hanging about funding their comfort or release. i knew last week, that rescuing them, was something i was not going to do this time, and yet i said “we'll see.” i was afraid that they would get angry, in fact i was afraid that they would get pissed off and no longer like me. if i left them twisting in the wind, as it were, i could defer speaking about the tough decision i had reached, and when i finally get a chance to tell them of that decision, i am certain it will not go over well. in all honesty, i really have nothing left to offer, in this case, and what i do have left, i am no longer willing to sacrifice. i love and esteem myself too much these days to revert to my people-pleasing self, no matter how pleasant it may feel in the short run. in the end i will regret saying yes, caving to the part of me that desires to be liked by everyone and selling myself out, one more time.
today, just for today, i will be the man i want to be, stand up to my insecurities and demons and say no more.it will be interesting to see, if what i wrote about comes to pass. it is quite easy for me to say all of this. sound really, really good, and then when it comes time ti implement it, well not the outcome, on my part, that i had determined to affect. it is a good day to be clean, and a better day to be okay, with who i am, and where i am going. today, just for today, i can act “as-if” i am already that man, and live by my values and principles.

∞ DT ∞