Blog entry for:

a lovable person, no matter how hard i work to disprove that fact. this morning, after a short night of work and trouble falling asleep, i was struck by the fact someone close had succumbed to the cancer she has been fighting for several years. i hate to say it, but i did not cry, although i felt sad for her husband and family members. having helped a fried shuffle off this mortal coil, i know what this end looks like for them as well as for those who are the closest to them. today, i have empathy and i may still cry as the shock of what i knew was coming, finally abates and leaves me defenseless against my grief. once upon a time there would have been a set of feelings that i would have chosen to medicate away, if i felt them at all. as nice as living in the drug-hazed cloud was, it never quite got me tho where i could say i was a lovable person, in fact i did my best to be as unlovable and unapproachable as i could be. life was “good” as a lone wolf, or that was the story i told myself over and over again. if i chose to act as unlovable as possible i would not get hurt. looking back at those days, it is a wonder i made it out alive.speaking of being alive

Derek R,
14 years of no matter whats!
i am glad you are part of why i stay!

so after a quick run, to get some high octane go-go juice, i am back at this. as i was navigating the slow motion traffic to hit my favorite home town coffee shop, i wondered what it would have been like, back in the days, if i had allowed myself to be loved, for real. it is true, that i did get married, but looking back on that, i have to wonder if it was settling for a using buddy and something i “felt” i needed to do, or was it really love? what i came up with, as i was fuming about all the cars in my way, was does it really matter, that was then and this is now. today, i can love others, love myself and more importantly allow myself to be love and be lovable.
if self-esteem is all about allowing myself to see myself as i really am, ASSETS as well as defects, then i am well on my way, just for today

∞ DT ∞