Blog entry for:

i was a whole lot of things when i walked into recovery, but the last thing i thought was a self-loathing piece of work. i truly believed that i loved myself and had HIGH self-esteem. when those who were here when i got here kept saying ‘we will love you until you learn to love yourself’ i laughed thinking that they were talking about someone else.
what i discovered through the process of step work and growth in recovery was that not only did i not love myself, i loathed myself and would whatever it took to NOT feel that self-loathing. i also discovered that i was worth learning to love, that i was not morally deficient nor was i unforgivably BAD.
over the course of my recovery i have started to tolerate myself, tolerance grew into acceptance and finally love. i learned that i did not need to abase and abuse myself, i learned that i no longer needed to be the judge, jury, executioner, and victim of myself. and most of all that even though i was a unique individual, i share many things in common with those who i share recovery with.
i still struggle back and forth with this issue and some days i am better at expressing my love for myself than others, but i no longer dwell in the dungeon of self-fate and self-abuse. i am worthy of the gifts i have received, i am worth all the work i have done, i am worth having people show concern and most of all i am worth loving -- exactly as i am today. which by the way will be different tomorrow. and i have HOPE that i can get another day clean under my belt.
∞ DT ∞