Blog entry for:

whether i feel that love or not.
and the steps outlined in the reading are a certain course to learn how to love myself. part of what goes on in the part of me i call my disease is that i am far to broken and defective to be acceptable to myself or anyone else, therefore i might as well treat myself like the piece of shit that i have told myself i am since the dawn of time. that ancient tape has played itself so many times in my head that it has become mantra-like in its appeal. the wonderful part of life in recovery is that i have the tools i need to have that taped erased or barring that at least have the volume turned down. i do not need self-help books or little notes taped to my mirror telling me how wonderful i am, recovery and the twelve steps provide me the ways and means to learn how to accept myself and as an extension how to love myself. i like the line that i can start to show love for myself before i feel that love -- the sort of ‘fake it to you make it’ cliché
as i have progressed down this path i have begun to learn that if i do not accept myself, the chances are quite slim i will be able to accept anyone else. and if i cannot love myself, how can i give or accept the love from anyone else. so this reading has quite a powerful message to me, on so many different levels. yes i am embarking on a sixth step exploration of myself, and doubtless will find many defects of character that i have yet to become ready to have removed. BUT even though i have defects of character i am not a defective work. just like the granite block that once held the statue of David, my full potential is just beginning to be revealed under the sculptor‘s careful chisel and hammer. what that final work of art will look like or be is unknown to me at this time, and perhaps will never be revealed to me. i am working on the FAITH that the sculptor -- my HIGHER POWER has a vision for what i will become and that the twelve steps, and the recovery process will transform me into that man. my task today is to give myself a break, accept that i am who i am, and do something that expresses my love for me -- and today that is finishing the task of catching-up with the work on my desk as overwhelming as it may appear i can do it and i will accept that i will accomplish what i will accomplish BECAUSE i love myself. and for me that is enough to move through this day with a bit more HOPE and JOY!

∞ DT ∞