Blog entry for:

DO not be comfortable sharing in a meeting. my character defects can be deadly, especially my need to look good, all the time. in the dark ages of my recovery, before i landed where i am, i certainly was nearly done in by looking good. my first FOURTH STEP barely scratched the surface, STEPS SIX and SEVEN, whizzed by in a blink of an eye and there was stuff that i NEVER, EVER told the man who was my sponsor in those days. i stayed clean, i even got enough recovery to realize that i was in the wrong fellowship and today i am living testament that the lies about my fellowship, that i believed in those days, were just that lies, misunderstandings and just plain bullsh!t.
that is not however the topic du jour. no the topic is all about me, learning how to trust someone enough to be open, intimate and totally honest about who i am. it is true, that other than in my home group, i rarely share everything about who i am and what i am feeling, yes i still NEED to look good. i do, however have a connection with what someone called the set of shady characters that sat in the back row last night. all of those men, have become part of my life, in a way that i never believed was possible. i have allowed each of them to see more of me, than i ever believed was possible, and yet, i am still grateful that i have a sponsor. across the course of my clean-time and my recovery, i have learned to trust this man with my life, knowing that he always has my back, even though it does not feel like it sometimes. when he said that it sounded to him, that this set of steps was about relationships with the fellowship and society at large, i was shocked. after all, it was not like i was some 90 day wonder, when i started my fourth set of steps. as this step cycle progresses, i see more and more what he meant, as i grow out of my role as some sort of service guru, into my roles as member, an addict and a man. my sponsor, however, is really the only man, i have revealed the portrait of who i have been and who i am today.
anyhow, i got myself distracted with Linked-in and lost my train of thought, it happens. so i guess i will just say that yes, my sponsor has saved my face, my ass and my life, more than once. the preponderance of the evidence in my experience, is that without him as part of my life,. i would have taken a permanent vacation form the fellowship and more than likely from a path of abstinence. all that i have today, as measured in material goods, does not even begin to add up to all he has given to me in emotional wellness, and spiritual growth. i realize he is just like me, with the only difference being that he has a longer time since the last time he used, and yet, he is such an integral part of me getting the message form the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i cannot ever express enough gratitude for all that he has given me and continues to give me today. so on that note, i think i will move on down the road and into the reality that is my life today.

∞ DT ∞