Blog entry for:

in whom i can safely confide.
it is certainly my hope, that the men, who choose to call me their sponsor feel the same way. i have sponsored many men across to course of my brief recovery. some that got clean and stayed clean, some that have come in and out, some who never made it past a year and even some who decided that for whatever reason they needed to use one more time, to combat their self-made misery. each man that i have accepted that relationship with, has become something more to me than just another addict and peer, they have become my sponsee, and i sincerely try to live up to the task of being the kind of sponsor i have.
my current sponsor is not the first man to sponsor me and unfortunately may not be the last one either, as humans are frail and stuff happens. the reading is spot on in saying that the reasons one chooses are varied. my first sponsor? had a house, a stable loving relationship and some bucks.
my second? had some clean-time and was not of the Boulder touchy-feely mode.
my third and current sponsor? well therein lies the tale. i met that man at six months clean, when as a newbie, i was the only left in my home group who had the willingness to travel to Denver to do group service. honestly, he scared the living crap out of me, as i could see that he could see me for who i was and i was never more grateful when i talked the group into rejoining the Boulder Area, self-will or not, it left me free to pursue a relationship with Carlos from afar. across the course of the years, i became friend and when my sponsor disappeared into America, he agreed to take me through the last two steps and see where things went. well that was over a decade ago, and he is bringing me to the conclusion of our second full set of steps at this time. what was once a never in my mind, has become a relationship i cherish but do very little to nurture on a daily basis. yes i will send him a txt today. i might even go as far as to suggest we get together next week, but i am not good at maintaining my part in this relationship, and i am not quite sure what needs to change within me, to make it a priority to be more active. perhaps, as i move in that direction, i will get some clarity.
the men i sponsor? some i had friendships with before i started sponsoring them, others, i never knew them before i started sponsoring them and became friends with them across the course of our relationship. and some, well for those in this final group, we have yet to become friends, and that is not necessarily a bad thing either. what i do know, is regardless of the state of my relationship beyond the sponsorship one, i treat each and every one of them as equals and my peers, after many days of thinking that somehow i was better than them in some way. today, i see myself as a guide and not the fearless leader and for me that is role enough.
it is time to get rolling on down the road to work, and i will carry what i need to, iunto my day, after all it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞