Blog entry for:

that provide genuine comfort, when i most need them. for me, having a sponsor and being a sponsor, are among the most attractive features of this program of recovery. the best part, at least for me, is that if i do not sponsor-hop, i have someone who knows all my stuff and do not need to rebuild my trust, yet again. it is true that i have had three sponsors over the course of my recovery. the first was in another fellowship and as kind and attentive as he was, his way was not mine. his guidance got me to the point of needing to choose my second sponsor. that first sponsor, put with a whole lot from this addict and who gave him very little in return and when it was time to jump, i ghosted him and his fellowship, an act for which i had to make a few reparations for, but one i do not regret. my second sponsor got me through ten steps and disappeared into the ether. for quite some time i was resentful and angry for what i perceived as damage to me and my spiritual growth. that attitude was evident when he came around again, as i had moved on and had yet to deal with my resentments in my third set of steps. i have long ago forgiven him for any harm he may have done me, and i see that it is more my perception, as i still stayed clean and ended up with my current sponsor. one might say, that things worked out, just as they were supposed to work out and thew person i never wanted to be my sponsor, has become my sponsor and my friend. i am quite certain that today, i have the best sponsor ever.
ah, but what i heard this morning was more about what kind of sponsor i want to be, and how i can take what i experience and transform it into wisdom i can use and pass on to the men that call me their sponsor. among my activities yesterday was a conversation with a peer, that challenges me, every time i interact with them. as i sat last night in my 10TH step, i realized that they often express the characteristics that i find less than appealing in myself, and there is a bit of envy, a bit of disgust and more than a bit of denial, all wrapped into a single feeling of “HUH?!” i got the opportunity last night to pass on the point i was trying to make to a sponsee and this morning it rings ever more true than it did last night.
as is often the case, we ended up speaking about our peers in recovery, that act, in and of itself, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, but i did not stop the discussion. one of the good things that came out of that discussion was that i realized it had been a minute or three since someone had given me a call and i reached out to that addict, to make sure that my side of the street was clean. i also let them know that as valuable as my time is, they were worth any time they asked me to give them. a realization i had once i had shut off and listened last night was that when i label someone “psychotic” or “untrustworthy,” i have hardened my heart against them and mad my world that much smaller. when i say i do not trust or understand someone, at least there is an opening for me to change my opinion and open my heart. while it may be true the judgement machine bulldozes its way through my life and i might be powerless over being judgemental, what is not true, is that i have to take those opinions and treat them as fact. more than once in my recovery, what i mistook for fact was merely a theory that i selectively edited the evidence to prove. as i progress through my day, i can look at my opinions and judgement and decide whether or not i need to honor them. if it is a snap judgement, such as “is that car too close to allow me to turn left safely,” it is probably one i need to hon or. on the other hand if it is something such as, “is that person crazy,” i may need to allow events to transpire as they will and allow my opinion to be altered by future interactions with them, instead of walking away from them. i am certain that theory will be put to the test today.

∞ DT ∞