Blog entry for:

twenty-four hours after my FIFTH STEP, as light as i may feel, there is a sense a gratitude that i have someone in my life, to whom i can reveal my **secret** self. after the denial of five decades about how something that was done to me, affected my life, i have found a bit of FREEDOM from the lie i told myself from that day, that i am BROKEN. the fact is, i have never been broken, nor am i broken today. that lie started because someone i trusted showed me that i was not living up to their expectations and i took that on as being somehow deficient or more simply put, because i was five at the time, just plain broken. when i shared all of that with my sponsor yesterday, he straightened out my thinking and gave me permission to call, that story what it is, a LIE and that LIE can now be dead. i do not know whether or not i have taken all of the consequences of that in yet, but i do know there is a whole lot of shaking going on, spiritually.
my whole takeaway from the process leading up today, is that IF my identity is based on one huge lie, who am i really? i have to walk in FAITH, that the process of finding my new identity, or at least changing my current one, to fit reality, will be revealed. i already am uncomfortable enough with who i have been, to welcome this change but it is not a big leap from FAITH back into FEARING what i unknowable shape of the future. as i just told one of my peers, i have to accept that what may look like failure, is actually a success and rude awakenings are often spiritual awakenings in disguise. what i see as a failure here, is my inability to face up to the reality of what happened to me and how that event colored who i was. my inability to believe some one trust could hurt me,. created the man i who became. now that it is evident that i could not let go and i created that identity based on a one time event, i feel relieved that there is a path out of that darkness, just for today.

∞ DT ∞