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a stable relationship and a career, i imagined that i WOULD get all of that by working the same program they did. yes, it is quite true, i chose my first sponsor based on what he had and how he looked. i did not give one whit about his spiritual state or how he lived a program. i was fortunate, that man, actually did carry a program of recovery with him through the rest of his life and did not check it at the door on his way out to the real world. fast forward to today and i still am affected by how my peers look, but when it comes to sponsorship i do not care how they look, i only care about how i see them living a program of recovery. my current sponsor has what i want and has had that for quite some time, for me, he is the best sponsor in the world. moving forward, it was not sponsorship that was on my mind as i “sat” this morning, but all sorts of “external stuff” that invaded that space.
money, of which i never seem to have enough of, was one topic that hammered my stillness this morning. my plans to eliminate the consequences of bad decisions are not coming to fruition quickly enough and i am growing frustrated and impatient with living “less large.” the fact is, i have everything i need and even a few of the things i want. i may not “look” as prosperous as i would like to, but in the material world, i am far better off than i think i am. this whole notion of looking better than i am has created all sorts of consequences in my life and i wonder if i need to put this into the same bucket as addiction and treat it accordingly ☛ admit that i am powerless over it and it is making my life unmanageable, ☛ realize that it is part of my insanity and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to restore me to sanity, ☛ finally surrender it as part of my will and my life into the care of that POWER. certainly an interesting train of thought on this stormy and snowy day.
fitness, was the other issue, namely how am i going to get my workout in, if it is going to be stormy and snowy, today. the rain has already started and it is not even light yet. i do have the correct sort of wardrobe and i may throw caution to the wind and head on out anyhow, catering and cratering to my obsessive, compulsive nature. i may just take the plunge, literally and tour my neighborhood. i could of course take my first day off since Dec 31st and not do anything. or i could head to the local rec center and do my workout inside, where it is dry and warm. all of those choices are hampering my serenity this morning and i am leaning towards the wetter and colder alternative, just to show myself how f*cking dedicated i am to my fitness program!
i think i will pause and consider before i do anything and allow myself the freedom to consider what may be the best thing for me 40 laps on one wet and cold one.

∞ DT ∞