Blog entry for:

accustomed to living a life crippled by addiction, full of fear and uncertainty. today? well sometimes i feel like a petulant two year old in an adult body, sometimes like an infant squalling for things that i believe i want,m but cannot get, but mostly like a secure full-grown adult dealing with life on life's terms. enough of the overworked metaphors and similes. i am today a member of society and i contribute to my own support BECAUSE of the encouragement given to me, way back when. it is sad that i am in the process of detaching from a friend and sponsee, it is however, more than likely for the best and it is of course his choice, apparently there is not enough room in his life for reality, because the reality of the situation is, he is gone for the next year and it will be interesting to see who is still standing come his birthday next year. i am sorely tempted to hold off on doing the last task i have to do, to detach and move on, just to get them all worked up about what is not happening soon enough. in fact i am smirking over the delicious irony of someone who is not going anywhere worrying when i am going to send his stuff on, even though it will be some time before he can even see it, and the controlling woman who is his current flavor of the month and jumps at his slightest command will be pressed to do the one thing i demand i made, DO NOT CALL OR TEXT ME!
so there is the two year old, spewing a bit of sour grapes. the program has taught that i can be anything i want to be, sometimes it just takes a bit of time. as i look over my next few days, i see that i will be a family sort of guy, with very little time to do any projects or take on any commitments. yet, there still is the feeling of financial insecurity running through my life like the cheesy music from a B-Grade horror flick, that cues the audience that something is about to happen.
so it goes, this morning, i guess i am ready to pack this in, and head on out to work. i know what the problem is with my code, and i hope i can fix it, with just a bit of application. i also know what the problem is with my life, namely i am an addict and because i am powerless over that unchanging fact, my can and will continue to be unmanageable. recovery GIVES me the power to face life, and yes face unpleasant people who are only doing the bidding of someone who is too chick sh!t to face me directly. me, i have to face up to the fact that there are consequences for all my decisions, and if i play the passive-aggressive game, of holding back on doing something i agreed to do, just to fVck with someone, well i need to look at what the payoff is for me. as i examine the feelings i am feeling, contemplating the results of my slow compliance, i see that it is all driven by hurting someone, more than i have been hurt, and the is a grim satisfaction in that. it feels just like in active addiction, when i made sure payback was a b!tch, and as i allow myself the freedom to feel that feeling, i see that it is not where i really want to go. it is sick as i want to be, or do not want to be, today. i see where this is going and DAMMIT, I HAVE TO LET GO AND ALLOW MYSELF TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING, WHO KNOWS WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT WILL BE.
off to the showers and into another day in the real world, it is a great day to allow myself the opportunity to learn how to walk.

∞ DT ∞