Blog entry for:

it has often been said, is a dangerous neighborhood. one should not wander around it alone. if one were to live in my skin over the past month, one would not be overly surprised to hear me berating my younger self about the necessity to get that “perfect tan” and maintain it all summer long. it is a proven fact that although there may be a genetic component to develop a melanoma, for the most part, it is because of overexposure to the sun. in my misspent youth, maintaining that tan and my aversion to “hat hair” are almost certainly the cause of the malignant visitor i have on my scalp. although the results are not in and will not be in for at least another ten days, i have already been convicted in my own head and my sentence is death, long and lingering, after multiple rounds of chemo. not the slightest bit extreme, n'est-ce pas!
my source material this morning, suggests a different route, one that is certainly more kind, caring and balanced. that path? why not forgive myself for my past missteps and allow myself the FREEDOM to have FAITH that things just may work out. continuously clubbing myself on the head will do nothing but cause me pain and consternation. and guess what, it does not change one thing. i still have the melanoma. i can still go down the rabbit-hole of what-ifs. most importantly, i CANNOT change the past, PERIOD!
finding the ways and means to treat myself with a bit of compassion, has never been the easier, softer way for me. in fact it is far easier to beat myself up than to forgive myself. it is far easier to replay my past mistakes and believing that somehow i can alter the final outcome, at least the next time i may find myself in the same situation. it is easier for me to forgive anyone else and treat them with kindness and compassion. they are, after all, higher on the pecking order than i am. i have to remember that to be a king, i do not need a castle and no one is better than i am. when i turn on the compassion machine, for myself, i feel better and less likely to reach out for the next bright and shiny thing, or a pack of cigarettes. when i see myself as worthy of being forgiven and treated with kindness, it is easier for me to treat others in a similar manner. just for today, perhaps i will just give myself a break and see where it goes.

∞ DT ∞