Blog entry for:

for myself, seems like a no-brainer, after all, if i treat myself poorly how in the world can i treat anyone else with respect, empathy and yes, compassion. i do know that even with a minute clean, i am ALWAYS my own worst critic, becoming the judge, jury and executioner in the blink of an eye. i have a tendency to maximize my faux-pas and use them to beat myself to a bloody pulp, just because, by now, i “should” know better. taking the time to pause and contemplate what it might mean for me to exercise greater compassion for myself, led me into a shopping foray on Amazon Prime Day. i may hate admit it, but i wanted to change the way i felt and shopping always allows me to feel better for the second. i do not need a new laptop, although there is one available for a great price, nor do we need a new TV, even though, once again there is a great one available for a great price. what i do NEED is a minute to see what i felt and if i really needed to change it.
what i felt was more than a little bit of shame about how shabbily i treat myself, time and again, on a very consistent basis. this is where my deed hardly match my words, as i would be the first to chime in with how much self-respect, self-esteem and self-worth, i now possess. that is not a lie or even being disingenuous. that is stating a truth based on how little of that holy trinity i had when i finally came around to recovery. the sad fact of life, is even though i have more of those, i still get into a place where i find that i am not doing as well as i have the desire to do. i forget that most of mistakes and failings come from taking risks and doing stuff that push me beyond my limits. the stories i told myself across the years of not being this or that, especially not “good enough” still echo in my head on a daily basis. the foil for that is not buying a new TV and laptop, but to pause and look at where i am, specifically where my feet just happen to be. which, just for today, are planted firmly in active recovery.
i still may purchase those new and shiny things, as i can certainly make a case for both of them. right here and right now, however, i will simply let go of my need to prove myself worthy of being compassionate towards myself, because i am more than worth being treated kindly, by myself anyhow. it is a good day to see where i am going, and how i can be a little bit better, without putting the hammer down. life in my skin is not always simple and is often not kind, BUT, with the help of the POWER that fuels my recovery, that too, can be changed, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞