Blog entry for:

in recovery was never what i thought i might get, way back when i first became **clean.** learning to **fly** was quite an accomplishment, when i used for the very first time. i thought that i had it made and when i crashed landed after twenty-five or so years later, i was quite certain that i would shrivel up and die.the anger and fear i felt after the consequences of using, kept me from embracing a program of recovery and i “pretended” to walk upright into a “clean” long before i could even get up on all fours and crawl. nevertheless, when i finally broke through the wall of denial that kept me merely abstinent, i began to see the stars for the very first time and the possibility that even an addict like me, could move beyond resentment and abject fear and accept a life based on the principles of recovery.
this morning, as i sat, what kept bubbling up to the surface was memories of that last summer of using, even after i had been “exposed” to what my life could be. the plotting and planning my next use, while being under the sword of “monitored sobriety,” was a thrill ride. the risk of getting caught, made it all that more delicious, as i was certain i could continue to get away with it and remain scot-free. this morning it was not the using part that kept coming up, but that whole notion of risky behavior and “fooling” the wold around me. what i walked away with this morning was a sense of acceptance that i “needed” those months of risk and the months of being “around” the program, to get where i am today. had i not treated myself so disrespectfully, as i disrespected the fellowship that has given me this new life, i would have never been able to come to a place where i believe i am worth being something more. i would still be stuck with the need for outside validation and craving the external actions to fill the whole of me.
as i prepare to go to my home group and be present for my peers, i wonder what if i had “got” clean after my first meeting and accepted without reservations that i am an addict, instead of someone who is only “playing” at being one. although that might be an interesting “mind-trip” i have to believe that my path to get where i am, is like the ones i take to the summit of a mountain, rocky, twisty, steep and full of false summits. i know that this is a mountain i will never summit, but getting here, was worth the effort and even if i am not flying without wings, my spirit continues to soars.

∞ DT ∞