Blog entry for:

a full life in recovery. many come, few stay, this whole recovery gig is not for the weak and feeble, and yet those who i think will persevere, are often the ones that fall by the wayside and disappear. the question then becomes, not who i encourage, but how i encourage them. is it just a kind word or hundreds of dollars that i will never see again? is it just giving of my time or is sharing my experience, strength and hope enough? do i kick some sponsee ass, when i see them straying, or do i just let them fall into the traps of their own devising?
as i stay clean and more importantly as i work my 12TH STEP, i am more and more certain, that i need not invest any more in anyone else's recovery, than they are ready to invest themselves. what does that mean, in a practical sense? for me, that means that the FNG is entitled to more of my time attention, than the peer, who constantly disrespects me. it means that supporting those who show up and suit up, rather than those who are making a show of this gig, is far better manner in which to spend my limited resources. it means that when i am used, abused and disrespected, i let go of the butt hurt and move on, after all, the “recovered” are in no need of my gifts.
sounds a little cold and calculating, but it goes to the heart of what i have been struggling with lately. i am finally coming around to the fact that i may be taking for granted, but i am far from the victim here. the realization that i volunteer for my pain and misery, by allowing it to happen time and again, is where the real hurt comes from. today, i can watch by the sidelines, cheer on the newest of the new, and those who have “graduated” into advanced recovery, i can smile and say to them: “that is so nice for you.”
for me, participating in the recovery process of someone else, is a gift and one that i give willingly and without conditions. the problem is that although i say that, what i really seem to mean is that as long as you follow my rules. the unconditional part is like a Venus Flytrap. it may smell attractive, look attractive, but the catch is, once i fall for the bait, i am doomed to die. what i am learning is to let go of my expectations, especially of any respect or reward and participate on a level that is appropriate for the person. what i am learning to forgive others for tromping all over me and forgive myself for allowing it to happen. just for today, i will learn to let go, carry the message and give of myself with little or no expectations attached. after all, this is all about progress and the journey, not the destination.

∞ DT ∞