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today, than it was in the beginning of this journey. okay, most of you know my story and the minor changes i had to make for my seed, this morning, make perfect sense. for those who do not, well the very short story is, that in the beginning, i had absolutely no commitment to staying clean, all i wanted was relief from my legal problems. here i sit many thousand days later, still clean and still having the desire to remain so, no matter what.
with all that behind me, i can safely say, that it has been months since i called my sponsor, or did step work, not that i am bragging or anything, just stating a fact. i understand the danger for addicts in my situation and yet, i am still willing to take that chance, or i just have nothing pressing me up against the wall. it is the latter that rings the most true for me, although the former is also a strong possibility, as i have always got a thrill out of playing with fire, as it were.
moving forward, what was on my mind this morning was something i did not share at the meeting last night, for a number of reasons. what was on my mind last night, and was still ringing in my ears this morning was the realization of one of the lies i used to tell myself, namely that i was a victim of life itself. bad things happened to me, for no reason, and if someone else did not take care of them for me, i would be forever lost. with that little bon mot, running in the background all the time, it was easy to use, use hard and not really care about the consequences, after all, i was fVcked anyhow! part of getting past that lie, was learning to become self-supporting, not self-dependent. first i had to get up and go to work, every day., and do my job, regardless of how emotionally tired or spent i felt. when i did that, miracles happened, my bills got paid, i had food in my belly, a roof over my head, and the roof had utilities. that part was not so hard, as i always worked, somewhat full-time. no the hard part for me, was my dependance on others to carry my emotional load of sh!t, and i had quite the truckload of that, even though i denied having any emotions at all. so in early recovery, i became the victim of my emotions, and i longed for the opportunity to medicate them away. once again, the victim card played well, and i could be pissed off, arrogant and aloof, around all these religion thumping ignoramuses. i was far too smart to fall into their religious zealot traps.
so what happened? well somewhere down the line, in those dark, early days, i decided that i would not be a victim of any sort, anymore. i would finally find a way to become self-supporting, leave the blame behind, and take responsibility for my life. i wish i could say it happened in those first 13 months, but it did not. nor did it happen, in my period of self-sponsorship. that paradigm switch did not occur until i was well into my second third step and finally released myself from the bondage of a borrowed HIGHER POWER. that change did not happen until i accepted at most levels that i was an addict, physically, emotionally, mentally and yes, spiritually different from 85% of humanity. that change was the result of my realization that substances were not the problem, only a clue to who and what i was, and once i made that change, my self-martyrdom at the hands of the part of me i call addiction, started to end.
the three disturbing realizations are at the core of my program today, and when i give love, there is always a chance that i will not get it back in return. when i open myself up, there is always the chance that i will get burned. but those possibilities are just that possibilities. when i am in active recovery, that stuff can still happen, but chances are that it will not. why? because i make better, more sane choices with to whom i give my love, and practice intimacy with, than ever before. if i get burned, it is not proof of how broken or bad i am, it just is, and that is the biggest part of not being a victim anymore.
i never did enjoy victim-hood, but it certainly did the trick, way back when. when i hear the self talk heading it that direction, there is certainly more than a few wisps of smoke in the metaphorical room, and it is time to get back on my program. as to the poor “me's” i heard at the meeting last night? well i am glad that is no longer my situation and there is a solution, other than running away in a chemical haze, hoping to latch on to that next sucker, because i am incapable of getting off my ass and doing whatever it takes to support my effort at life. this is after all, a program that has changed my life.

∞ DT ∞